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Writing Samples
Band 5

The only way to improve the safety on our roads is to have stricter punishment for driving offenders. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#safety #roads #punishment #offenders
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The growing number of
car
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accidents
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 has been an ongoing debate in recent years. In order
toreduce
Correct your spelling
to reduce
 the
prevelance
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prevalence
 of
accidents
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, implementing stricter punishment is being offered by some.
This
Linking Words
 essay disagrees with
this
Linking Words
 idea
,
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apply
show examples
 and will explain the importance of providing better driving education
,
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apply
show examples
 and increasing the minimum legal
age
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 for driving rather than overpriced
fine
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fines
show examples
 for driving offenders. One of the reasons why
barely
Correct article usage
a barely
show examples
 punishing
crowd
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crowds
show examples
 can not accepted as an effective way in order to create safer
roads
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 is that
this
Linking Words
 method can not solve the root of
pthe roblem
Correct your spelling
the problem
. Without focusing on the underlying cause, like uneducated
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drivers
Add a comma
drivers,
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 it is almost impossible to build safer
roads
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. As people are able to drive with insufficient traffic education, they put themselves and
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
ones
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
at risk
due to
Linking Words
 their lack of experience.
It is clear that
Linking Words
 only punishing these
drivers
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 can not improve their driving skills,
moreover
Linking Words
, after they pay the fine they are likely to continue to put themselves and other
drivers
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at
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in
show examples
 dangerous situations.
For
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this
Linking Words
 reason, encouraging
individual's
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individual
show examples
 traffic
educations
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education
show examples
, and
also
Linking Words
 regulating testing systems would be
more
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a more
show examples
efective
Correct your spelling
effective
 way to mitigate the
prevelance
Correct your spelling
prevalence
 of
car
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accidents
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.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, despite stricter punishment methods, including high
fines
Add the comma(s)
fines,
show examples
 may have
significant
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a significant
show examples
 impact on low-income
drivers
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, wealthier men and women can easily afford the price. Owing to their strong financial status, they are not affected by punishments as much as poor ones,
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
so they can keep their wrongdoings on the road.
For example
Linking Words
, numerous
car
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accidents
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, which result in fatalities are driven by careless
drivers
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, who lead to more than three
accidents
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 in their lifespan in Turkey. Since they can pay the fine, they are able to drive.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the majority of
car
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accidents
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 are driven by
drivers
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,
whose
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
Use synonyms
age
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are
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 between 18 and 20. Since they
have
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do have
show examples
 not enough
experince
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experience
 in driving
,
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apply
show examples
 and can be distracted easily, they are likely to lead to
accidents
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 more than adults. In order to create more peaceful
roads
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,
rising
Correct your spelling
raising
show examples
minimum
Correct article usage
the minimum
show examples
 legal
age
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 to 25 would make a world of difference
respective
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in respective
show examples
of
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apply
show examples
road safety.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
car
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accidents
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 are admitted one of the most remarkable causes of death,
while
Linking Words
 some people believe
in
Change preposition
that
show examples
 implementing
stricker
Correct your spelling
strict
 laws or punishments may alleviate the number of
accidents
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, I personally disagree with
this
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 notion.
By providing
Change preposition
Providing
show examples
 better well-rounded education and testing
sytems
Correct your spelling
systems
, and increasing the minimum legal
age
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 for driving would be more effective
to decrease
Change preposition
in decreasing
show examples
 the risky situations on
roads
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by ilaydailday on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that the essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph should start with a clear topic sentence and follow with supporting sentences that back up the main point.
coherence cohesion
Develop your main points with a mix of general statements and specific examples. While your essay has main points, it lacks detailed examples to illustrate them, which could strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Remain focused on the prompt throughout the essay and make sure every paragraph contributes to addressing the question. Avoid going off-topic or discussing irrelevant information.
coherence cohesion
Use a variety of linking words to better connect ideas between sentences and paragraphs. There was some repetition and underuse of cohesive devices that would have improved the logical flow.
task achievement
Pay attention to grammatical accuracy and work on reducing the number of errors in sentence structure, tense usage, and article usage, which sometimes hinder communication of your ideas.
task achievement
Expand on your examples with more depth. Merely stating that wealthier people can pay fines is not enough; explaining how this fails to deter repeat offenses would be more convincing.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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