IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Most high-level positions in companies are filled by men even though the workforce in many developed countries is more than 50persent female. Companies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of these positions to women. To what extend do you agree?

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The question of whether firms ought to reserve some
positions
Use synonyms
 for females, since some of these posts are offered to men
although
Linking Words
 half of the workforce in most modernized nations is filled by
women
Use synonyms
, has sparked a considerable debate.
While
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 many advocate for
this
Linking Words
, which I firmly agree with, others argue against it. Analyzing the opportunities for equal careers,
as well as
Linking Words
 removing bias from offices, will give a comprehensive overview of the subject matter.
Firstly
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, keeping equal job spots for
women
Use synonyms
 gives them the same career chances as their male counterparts.
For instance
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, my employer’s standard operating procedure splits managerial roles equally between the two genders, thereby ensuring that both are represented equally. Obviously, most of these
women
Use synonyms
 might have landed these leading career jobs if it were not for
this
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 law.
Therefore
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,
this
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 makes it clear that companies should allocate some of their high-level
positions
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 to
women
Use synonyms
.
Secondly
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, most
women
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 are faced with gender discrimination at the office, which means they are bypassed when management
positions
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 come up.
For example
Linking Words
, the survey report from my recently completed capstone project
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 confirmed that 80% of working-class females in Greater Sudbury, were ignored when a top opening came up at their workplace. Clearly, giving some slots to them is the only way to tackle
this
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 challenge.
Thus
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, firms ought to allocate a certain percentage of their top
positions
Use synonyms
 to
women
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. In conclusion, the argument that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 some high-profile job slots should be allocated to
women
Use synonyms
 as these roles are mostly filled by men in developed countries has prompted a substantial dispute. Some champion
this
Linking Words
 idea which I completely agree with,
whereas
Linking Words
 others contend it. Examining the possibilities it would provide,
such
Linking Words
 as; equal career choices and eliminating prejudice, proves that firms must give a certain percentage of their job roles to
women
Use synonyms
.

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Grammar and Vocabulary
A more varied range of sentence structures could enhance the readability and sophistication of your essay. Try incorporating complex and compound sentences more frequently.
Task Response
Consider developing your main points further by providing more varied and detailed examples or evidence. This could strengthen your argument and make your essay more convincing.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure, but you could improve it by using a wider range of linking words and phrases to help the reader follow your argument more easily. This would enhance the coherence and cohesion of your essay.
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