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Band 7.5

Nowadays people are spending more time at their workplace. Do the advantages of overworking outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #time #workplace
Recently, a significant number of
individuals
 have found themselves dedicating the majority of their time to
work
. Drawing on past experiences,
this
 writer contends that despite the drawback of feeling overwhelmed, the benefits of job promotion
coupled with
 the acquisition of essential
skills
 far outweigh the negatives. When it comes to overworking, securing a promotion stands out as the most advantageous outcome.
This
 is because
individuals
, when immersed in their
work
, confront more complex challenges, allowing them to analyze and overcome them diligently.
Consequently
, through adequate preparation and experience, they are poised to deliver superior performance, ultimately leading to career success. Recognizing
such
 exceptional performance, managers are likely to promote these
individuals
 to higher ranks within the organization.
Furthermore
, the acquisition of imperative
skills
 is another compelling aspect that merits consideration. Typically, diligent
work
 leads to fewer errors, transforming these shortcomings into valuable strengths over time. These
skills
 become a substantial asset contributing significantly to their future success.
For instance
, Japan, renowned for its industrious citizens, has witnessed a surge in globally successful companies
due to
 their commitment to hard
work
. Sceptics argue that excessive
work
 may subject
individuals
 to severe pressure, leading to mental health issues
such
 as depression.
While
this
 concern holds merit to a certain extent, it is crucial to recognize that achievements often necessitate dedication and hard
work
.
In other words
, the pursuit of success motivates
individuals
 to invest prolonged and intense effort, rather than causing profound depression. Considering all aspects, the potential drawback of experiencing profound depression appears to be outweighed by the advantages of job promotion and the acquisition of essential
skills
.
Hence
, there should be no doubt that dedicating more time to
work
 plays a pivotal role in shaping
individuals
' forthcoming careers.
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task achievement
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and expands on that idea with specific details and examples. Aim to include at least one specific, detailed example for each main point you are making to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on creating more cohesive paragraphs. While the logical structure of the essay is good overall, transitions between ideas could be improved. Use linking words and phrases to connect sentences and paragraphs more effectively, allowing the reader to follow the progression of ideas with ease.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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