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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

ome people think that the main factors influencing a child’s development these days are things such as television, friends, and music. Others believe that the family still remains more important. Discuss both opinions and give your opinion

#ome #people #factors #child’s #development #television #friends #music
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There are many important
factors
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 that influence the
development
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 of
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
children
a child
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children
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, especially its
environment
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. For those who believe
friends
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 and
media
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such
Linking Words
 as televisions or other streaming platforms as the main
factors
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 that help to shape
children
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's way of thinking or point of view, it may be because
in
Add the comma(s)
, in
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 their perspective,
children
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tends
Change the verb form
tend
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 to spend more
time
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 doing
activity
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activities
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such
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 as watching television, listening to music, hanging out with their
friends
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, and other activity that do not involve family.
Moreover
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, they
also
Linking Words
 believe that those
media
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 have more influence on
children
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 because it could easily catch
children
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's attention most of the
time
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, specifically in some contents where it was made to cater to
children
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's
interest
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interests
show examples
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are
also
Linking Words
 a group of
people
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 that
sees
Correct subject-verb agreement
see
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 family as the main factor
to support
Change preposition
in supporting
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children
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's
development
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. For these
people
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 who believe in
such
Linking Words
Correct article usage
a view
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view
Correct article usage
a view
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, it is mainly because
children
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Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 surrounded by their
Fix the agreement mistake
families
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family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
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 most of the
time
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.
Children
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 tend to see, hear, speak, and learn things from their
enviroment
Correct your spelling
environment
, especially their closest one, which is in most cases
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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their family or the
people
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 they share the place to live.
For example
Linking Words
, most of the
time
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, parents or older
figure
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figures
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 who apply gentle parenting to their
children
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 will
rase
Correct your spelling
raise
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 a gentle kid.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, abusive parents or family
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environment
Fix the agreement mistake
environments
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 will
rase
Correct your spelling
raise
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 a kid with
mental
Add an article
a mental
the mental
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problem
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problems
show examples
 or is having
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
difficulty
to express
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expressing
show examples
 their emotions. In my perspective, both opinions are valid because it depends on how
people
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 view things. But if we dig deeper
to
Change preposition
into
show examples
this
Linking Words
 discussion, family,
friends
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, and other
media
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 are all important
factors
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to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 a
child
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's
development
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 because they all work together in shaping a
child
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's personality and what kind of person a
child
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 will be in the future.
Thus
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, I think that family, as
children
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's closest
environment
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 and support, need to control
on
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apply
show examples
what type of content
that
Correct word choice
apply
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a
child
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watch
Fix the agreement mistake
watches
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,
hear
Correct subject-verb agreement
hears
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, and
enjoy
Correct subject-verb agreement
enjoys
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. They
also
Linking Words
 have to make sure that their
Use synonyms
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 friendship
environment
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 is healthy and supportive toward one
and
Correct word choice
apply
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another. To summarize, I believe that family,
friends
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, and other
media
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 can work together as the main
factors
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 of
Use synonyms
child's
Correct article usage
a child's
show examples
development
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.
Because with
Correct word choice
With
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 the help of those, a kid will have a variety of
people
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 and
media
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 to learn
.
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from.
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Furthermore
Linking Words
, I believe that those
factors
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 are as important and if they provide a positive impact to a
child
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, it will help them to grow in a good way.
Submitted by kinantiputriunique on

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coherence cohesion
Be sure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that the supporting sentences are directly related to it. This will strengthen the coherence of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Use a variety of linking words and phrases to connect ideas and paragraphs more naturally, thereby enhancing the logical flow of the essay.
task achievement
Give specific examples to support your points. These examples help to illustrate your arguments more effectively and can improve the persuasive quality of your essay.
task achievement
Always provide a balanced discussion of both views before giving your own opinion. This shows the ability to evaluate different perspectives fairly, which is key to task achievement.
coherence cohesion
Remember to proofread your essay to avoid grammatical errors and ensure clarity in your writing, as these can impact your coherence score.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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