IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

More and more fathers are taking break from their careers so that they can stay home and take care of their children while their wives work. This is better for family than having both parents work full time. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion.

#fathers #careers #home #care #children #wives #work #parents #time
Nowadays, we have witnessed
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
fathers
 leave their jobs behind because they desire to contribute to
raise
Change the verb form
raising
show examples
 offspring
than
Correct quantifier usage
more than
show examples
 ever before.
While
 I discuss
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 should collaborate to take care
children
Change preposition
of children
show examples
 simultaneously with their wives, I do believe
children
 need
mothers
 more than
fathers
 in the process of growth. When the rate of
fathers
' contribution in
rasing
Correct your spelling
raising
show examples
 offspring
increase
Fix the agreement mistake
increases
show examples
, not only can
children
 be given a chance to interact with both
fathers
 and
mothers
, which means that they may create a great balance between their emotions, but
mothers
 will play two distinct
roles
 in society effectively, as a mother and as a jobholder, which assist them to feel positive. In
other word
Change the wording
another word
other words
show examples
, a myriad of females may feel anxious after giving birth and they may have a sense of solely
during
Change preposition
apply
show examples
rising
Correct your spelling
raising
show examples
 offspring, so they lose not only their productivity but
also
 their confidence. In
this
 case, they would not undertake their duties greatly as a mother and
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
staff. A growing number of research illustrate that
mothers
 after having a baby are on the verge of depression, so they had better
to
Remove the marker
apply
show examples
maintain their
roles
 as employees,
instead
concentrate
Change preposition
of concentrating
show examples
 on
rising
Correct your spelling
raising
show examples
children
.
Therefore
, when men take some days off or even leave their careers behind in order to take care
children
Change preposition
of children
show examples
, they can
fixt
Correct your spelling
face
this
 demanding situation.
By contrast
, it is true that both
fathers
 and
mothers
 play crucial
roles
 in the process of growing,
according to
 countless psychological statistics, it is undeniable to refuse the vital
role's
Change noun form
role
show examples
 of
mothers
 in the several primitive
years
 of growth. In the first five
years
, babies are in the most sensitive of their
years
 in terms of emotion
in particular
. If
mothers
 do not dedicate a great deal of time to
children
 or even being swapped for
fathers
, offspring may lose the fundamental time to be healthy individuals in the following
years
. In conclusion, it can be a great notion that
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 take
break
Correct article usage
a break
show examples
 from their work so as to take care
babies
Change preposition
of babies
show examples
,
however
, nothing can be substituted for
mother's
Correct article usage
the mother's
show examples
roles
Fix the agreement mistake
role
show examples
 specially in the first
years
 of
rasing
Correct your spelling
raising
show examples
, even
fathers
.
Submitted by nova7innn on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
As for coherence and cohesion, it is advisable to employ a clearer logical structure in your essay. Aim to have distinct paragraphs with clear topic sentences that signal the main point of each paragraph. Also, ensure a more explicit connection between ideas with appropriate linking words.
coherence cohesion
While you have presented an introduction and conclusion, ensure they are fully developed. The introduction should present the topic of discussion and your thesis statement clearly, and the conclusion should succinctly summarize your arguments without introducing new ideas.
task achievement
Your essay would benefit from having more detailed support for your main points. Providing specific examples, facts, or studies that directly relate to your argument can significantly strengthen the essay's effectiveness in persuading the reader.
task achievement
In terms of task response, you should aim to address the question more directly. It's good to present a balanced view, but remember to consistently articulate the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement provided, ensuring your position is clear throughout the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: