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Writing Samples
Band 4

More and more fathers are taking break from their careers so that they can stay home and take care of their children while their wives work. This is better for family than having both parents work full time. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion.

#fathers #careers #home #care #children #wives #work #parents #time
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Nowadays, we have witnessed
that
Correct word choice
apply
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fathers
Use synonyms
 leave their jobs behind because they desire to contribute to
raise
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raising
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 offspring
than
Correct quantifier usage
more than
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 ever before.
While
Linking Words
 I discuss
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
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 should collaborate to take care
Use synonyms
children
Change preposition
of children
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 simultaneously with their wives, I do believe
children
Use synonyms
 need
mothers
Use synonyms
 more than
fathers
Use synonyms
 in the process of growth. When the rate of
fathers
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' contribution in
rasing
Correct your spelling
raising
show examples
 offspring
increase
Fix the agreement mistake
increases
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, not only can
children
Use synonyms
 be given a chance to interact with both
fathers
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 and
mothers
Use synonyms
, which means that they may create a great balance between their emotions, but
mothers
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 will play two distinct
roles
Use synonyms
 in society effectively, as a mother and as a jobholder, which assist them to feel positive. In
other word
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another word
other words
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, a myriad of females may feel anxious after giving birth and they may have a sense of solely
during
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apply
show examples
rising
Correct your spelling
raising
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 offspring, so they lose not only their productivity but
also
Linking Words
 their confidence. In
this
Linking Words
 case, they would not undertake their duties greatly as a mother and
a
Correct article usage
apply
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staff. A growing number of research illustrate that
mothers
Use synonyms
 after having a baby are on the verge of depression, so they had better
to
Remove the marker
apply
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maintain their
roles
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 as employees,
instead
Linking Words
concentrate
Change preposition
of concentrating
show examples
 on
rising
Correct your spelling
raising
show examples
children
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, when men take some days off or even leave their careers behind in order to take care
Use synonyms
children
Change preposition
of children
show examples
, they can
fixt
Correct your spelling
face
this
Linking Words
 demanding situation.
By contrast
Linking Words
, it is true that both
fathers
Use synonyms
 and
mothers
Use synonyms
 play crucial
roles
Use synonyms
 in the process of growing,
according to
Linking Words
 countless psychological statistics, it is undeniable to refuse the vital
role's
Change noun form
role
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 of
mothers
Use synonyms
 in the several primitive
years
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 of growth. In the first five
years
Use synonyms
, babies are in the most sensitive of their
years
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 in terms of emotion
in particular
Linking Words
. If
mothers
Use synonyms
 do not dedicate a great deal of time to
children
Use synonyms
 or even being swapped for
fathers
Use synonyms
, offspring may lose the fundamental time to be healthy individuals in the following
years
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, it can be a great notion that
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 take
break
Correct article usage
a break
show examples
 from their work so as to take care
babies
Change preposition
of babies
show examples
,
however
Linking Words
, nothing can be substituted for
mother's
Correct article usage
the mother's
show examples
Use synonyms
roles
Fix the agreement mistake
role
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 specially in the first
years
Use synonyms
 of
rasing
Correct your spelling
raising
show examples
, even
fathers
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by nova7innn on

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coherence cohesion
As for coherence and cohesion, it is advisable to employ a clearer logical structure in your essay. Aim to have distinct paragraphs with clear topic sentences that signal the main point of each paragraph. Also, ensure a more explicit connection between ideas with appropriate linking words.
coherence cohesion
While you have presented an introduction and conclusion, ensure they are fully developed. The introduction should present the topic of discussion and your thesis statement clearly, and the conclusion should succinctly summarize your arguments without introducing new ideas.
task achievement
Your essay would benefit from having more detailed support for your main points. Providing specific examples, facts, or studies that directly relate to your argument can significantly strengthen the essay's effectiveness in persuading the reader.
task achievement
In terms of task response, you should aim to address the question more directly. It's good to present a balanced view, but remember to consistently articulate the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement provided, ensuring your position is clear throughout the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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