IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

It is a common aspiration among many young people to run their own businesses, rather than work for an employer. Do you think the advantages of working for yourself outweigh the drawbacks?

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In recent times, job opportunities have been increasing dramatically.
This
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 means people have more
option
Fix the agreement mistake
options
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 than in past.
However
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, many young adults decide to run their own businesses
instead
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 of working for others. I completely agree with
this
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 idea and In
this
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 essay, I will
suppprt
Correct your spelling
support
 my reasons with examples.
Firstly
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,
this
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 may lead to
succsess
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success
 after a
while
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.
In other words
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, after nearly 5 or 6 years you will earn
high
Add an article
a high
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 amount of money than
majority
Add an article
the majority
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 of employees.
As a result
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, the one would purchase his own house and car
with
Change preposition
at
show examples
 extortionate prices.
For instance
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, Steve Jobs was one of these humans who inspired many people with his high income and success. Another reason can be that you will be the boss. What
i
Change the capitalization
I
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 mean by
this
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 is that you will not have to commute to your office on a daily basis and you will not be stressed about getting fired. As a
consiquence
Correct your spelling
consequence
, you will make orders and be respected
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
 your staff.
On the other hand
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, there is an argument that
this
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 might be very risky. They feel that most of these people fail after a year, which means few individuals who are talented can make it.
For instance
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, in Iran, nearly 80 per cent of humans who launched their own job, could not succeed
according to
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 the news. So, they prefer to work for an employer which sounds more
trustable
Correct word choice
trustworthy
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. In conclusion, self-employment has become more common these days among humans,
however
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, some choose to be employees. In my opinion, the advantages of having your own job outweigh any downsides.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Consider expanding your essay by providing a more substantial introduction and conclusion. Clearly restate the essay question and give a preview of your main points in the introduction. Similarly, your conclusion should summarize your arguments and clearly restate your position. This helps in reinforcing your stance to the reader.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs and within paragraphs to improve the logical flow of your essay. Phrases like 'Firstly,' 'Another reason,' and 'On the other hand,' are a good start, but strive to use a greater variety of linking phrases and topic sentences to enhance logical connectivity.
Task Achievement
Present more nuanced ideas and arguments in your essay. For each point you make, explain it further, and relate it back to the question. This will make your essay more comprehensive and persuasive.
Task Achievement
Enrich your essay with more specific examples and evidence. Go beyond general statements and illustrate your points with concrete instances or data when possible. This adds credibility to your arguments.
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