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Band 1

Some colleges encourage students to create businesses while they are still in school. Do the advantage of this outweigh the disadvantages?

#colleges #students #businesses #school #advantage #outweigh
this
 essay will present the
advantage
Fix the agreement mistake
advantages
show examples
 and
disadvantage
Fix the agreement mistake
disadvantages
show examples
 of some colleges
encourage
Wrong verb form
encouraging
show examples
 students to create businesses
while
 they are still in school. Getting a job in school is, it causes a lot of worry to the students.
Firstly
this
 could be a huge financial risk.
This
 action of money
to begin
.
Person
Add an article
A person
The person
show examples
 would like very market and
maketing
Correct your spelling
marketing
 experience.
Therefore
, they
Add a missing verb
are
show examples
under a lot of pressure, stress and fatigue . They have to work harder
while
 studying and doing. So happiness
Add a missing verb
is
show examples
replaced by tension. In conclusion, it is undeniable that the disadvantages of working
while
 in
colleges
Fix the agreement mistake
college
show examples
 certainly outweigh its benefits.
Submitted by thuhong.68hnue on

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coherence cohesion
To improve your score, it is vital to follow a logical structure within your essay. Begin with an introduction that clearly states your thesis, follow with body paragraphs that each present a distinct advantage or disadvantage with supporting details, and conclude with a summary that reiterates your main argument and reflects on the implications or a resolution. Make sure each part is well-connected to each other.
task achievement
Make sure to present both advantages and disadvantages evenly to fully respond to the prompt. Develop your main ideas more comprehensively with specific examples and more detailed explanations to better support your argument. Your current response seems incomplete and does not address the prompt's question about whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages fully.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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