IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 2

Many famous sports players advertise sports products. Do the advantages of this outweighs the disavantages?

#sports #players #products #disavantages
Nowadays
sports
 products are widely advertised by many famous
sports
 players is a deeply controversial topic. From my perspective, advertising products by
well known
Add a hyphen
well-known
show examples
 athletes will be beneficial, because it can promote
business
Add an article
a business
show examples
 related to
sports
 and will attract young minds to indulge in
sports
 activities, at the same time it will be non-beneficial for actors and models The first point to establish could be that the people
Correct pronoun usage
who desired
show examples
desired
Wrong verb form
desire
show examples
 their job
as
Change preposition
in
show examples
 modelling will eventually
loose
Correct your spelling
lose
show examples
,
opportunities
Correct word choice
and opportunities
show examples
 for trained professionals will face a downtrend.
In contrast
 ,athletes signed as brand
ambassidor
Correct your spelling
ambassador
ambassadors
 will get
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 increased income apart from their field.
For example
 ,
player
Add an article
the player
a player
show examples
 as a model will
get recieve
Wrong verb form
receive
show examples
 both salary and
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 income.
Moreover
 ,
designes
Correct your spelling
designing
 products will reach their target audience at
earliest
Correct article usage
the earliest
show examples
,which will be more advantageous for their industry.
On the other hand
, nowadays children who spend most of their time
infront
Correct your spelling
in front
 of
television
Correct article usage
the television
show examples
 will be attracted to
sports
 and gain some knowledge about games and safety
gears
Fix the agreement mistake
gear
show examples
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 will promote
safe
Replace the word
safety
show examples
 and security for their both physical and mental aspects.
Overall
, the
advantanges
Correct your spelling
advantages
 of
sportsman
Correct article usage
a sportsman
show examples
 as a model
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 way more higher than its disadvantages.
Submitted by insighttribez on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction
Make sure the introduction clearly states your position on the topic. Avoid general statements and clearly outline the advantages and disadvantages you will discuss.
coherence
Use a clear logical structure by organizing the essay into paragraphs with distinct purposes, such as introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
examples
Support main points with specific examples or further explanation to strengthen the argument.
task response
Fully respond to the prompt by elaborating on the advantages and disadvantages and clearly stating if one outweighs the other, backed up by specific reasons and examples.
cohesion
Ensure there is cohesion between your sentences and paragraphs by using connecting words effectively and maintaining a clear progression of ideas.
grammar
Proofread your essay to correct grammatical errors and enhance clarity in your sentences.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: