IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Government invest in the arts, such as music and theatre is waste of money. Government must invest this money in public services instead. To what extent do you agree with this statement? Give reason for your answers and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge.

#government #arts #music #theatre #waste #money #services #reason #answers
Investment
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 governmentiality through
arts
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 seen negatively by many, as there are a lot more occurences that should be tackled
instead
. Even though the benefits of
arts
 might be considerably big for creativity inducing within the society,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 firmly agree that the money that
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 invested by the government should have been allocated to the public
services
 as those are more crucial for the advancement to the societal lives. There are
variety
Add an article
a variety
show examples
 of reasons that I have to support
this
 agreement.
Firstly
,
while
arts
 have the significant possibility to play a role in skills enhancement, I find many other issues pertaining to public
services
 more concerning to be solved.
For instance
, in Indonesia, problems around
health
Correct article usage
the health
show examples
 states of society and
Correct article usage
the lacks
show examples
lacks
Correct subject-verb agreement
lack
show examples
 of public transportation access arose considerably
high
Correct word choice
apply
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. If the government decide to prioritize boosting art
invesment
Correct your spelling
investment
instead
 of those concerning occurences, that would not be a wise move. Those issues pertaining
public
Change preposition
to public
show examples
services
 would have the consequence to quality of life as they influence people directly.
Hence
, it could contribute to mortality rates.
Furthermore
, since it impacts the advancement of national stances, the needs of the people should have been the first necessary regulation implemented.
On the other hand
,
while
 we can not dispute the
importances
Fix the agreement mistake
importance
show examples
 of
arts
Fix the agreement mistake
art
show examples
, not all would gain
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
interest
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 those artistic objects. With not everyone partaking in the improvement of art itself, the
invesment
Correct your spelling
investment
 would go in vain.
In other words
, not many citizens
accross
Correct your spelling
across
 the globe have large attentiveness
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
those
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
lavish music or movie making. Even so, in
this
 case, South Korea's
citizisen
Correct your spelling
citizens
citizen
 that are seemingly boosted with broad delights in
such
 things, that might continue partaking in the growth of
nation's
Correct article usage
the nation's
show examples
 income and economy, do exist.
However
,
this
 example should not be a justification for the government to invest more money in
arts
 rather than public
services
. In
this
 circumstance, it is highly advisable to perform art expenditure at a lower rate than public
services
 spending.
To conclude
this
 essay, I firmly believe that the idea of expenses being made by the
nation
Replace the word
national
show examples
 executives to
get
Verb problem
apply
show examples
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 more
into
Change preposition
on
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public
services
 is heavily agreeable.
Submitted by chocomoure on

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Structure
Make sure to organize your essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction should clearly state your position, and the conclusion should summarize your main points.
Coherence
Ensure that you use linking words and phrases to connect ideas between sentences and paragraphs for better coherence.
Examples
Develop your ideas more fully with clear, detailed examples that are directly relevant to the topic, to better illustrate your arguments.
Development
Work on elaborating your main points with clearer, more comprehensive ideas for stronger task achievement.
Grammar
Proofread your essay to correct grammatical mistakes and improve sentence structure, enhancing readability.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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