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Writing Samples
Band 6

The graphs below give information about computer ownership as a percentage of the population between 2002 and 2010, and by level of education for the years 2002 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

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The first bar graph
depict
Change the verb form
depicts
show examples
 the proportion of
computer
Use synonyms
 ownership in general from 2002 to 2010,
while
Linking Words
 another graph illustrates the same thing based on educational
level
Use synonyms
 which
divided
Add a missing verb
is divided
show examples
 into five different categories in 2002 and 2010. The figures in both graphs are measured in
percentage
Fix the agreement mistake
percentages
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.
Overall
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, it is noticeable that both graphs have an upward trend over the period given.
Morover
Correct your spelling
Moreover
, it is
also
Linking Words
 interesting to note that the highest proportion of people who have their own
computer
Use synonyms
 happened in 2010.
Along with
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this
Linking Words
, the biggest percentage of
computer
Use synonyms
 ownership based on education
level
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 exists in the same year. In terms of
computer
Use synonyms
 ownership, in 2002, the
fiigure
Correct your spelling
figure
 was slightly more than half
proportion
Correct article usage
the proportion
show examples
 for about 58%.
This
Linking Words
 number
then
Linking Words
 consistently increased
for
Change preposition
by
show examples
 about 2% more
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
every two years, achieving
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 peak at approximately 72%
in
Change the preposition
at
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 the end of
period
Add an article
the period
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.
Along with
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
, the number of people who had
Use synonyms
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 as their education
level
Use synonyms
 climbed continuously. Postgraduate
level
Use synonyms
 contributed the highest percentage of having
Use synonyms
computer
Add an article
a computer
show examples
 at 70% and 90% in 2002 and 2010 respectively, as opposed to those who were not enrolling high school diploma only had 12% for the first period and almost four times higher in 2010.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "along with, also".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words computer, level with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • consistent increase
  • growing reliance on technology
  • clear correlation
  • digital divide
  • notable growth
  • most pronounced disparity
  • gap reduced considerably
  • percentage growth
  • higher educational levels
  • educational groups
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