Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of job should be highly paid? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #entertainers #film #stars #pop #musicians #sports #money #job

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It is undeniable that some jobs are gaining more

money

Use synonyms

than other professions.

Linking Words

While

Correct word choice

People

show examples

people

Use synonyms

argue that entertainers

such

Linking Words

as actors, musicians or athletes are paid higher than they are supposed to get. I firmly disagree with

this

Linking Words

statement because the more

money

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they acquire the more risks they get.

That is

Linking Words

why I suppose every single job with more responsibilities and risks should offer

Fix the agreement mistake

a higher

show examples

salary

Use synonyms

. First and foremost, many actresses and musicians have been

undergo

Change the verb form

undergoing

undergone

show examples

more sacrifices than

people

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expected.

For example

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, during their childhood, they spent an abundance of time attending classes in music, acting, or arts. It is not only time-consuming

Remove the comma

apply

show examples

but

also

Linking Words

requires a lot of

money

Use synonyms

Similarly

Linking Words

, athletes have b een doing

hardworks

Correct your spelling

hard works

hard work

since they started to build self sufficient to be eligible.

Therefore

Linking Words

, they deserve a lot of

money

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for their work-life balance.

In other words

Linking Words

, we should appreciate their struggles in terms of serving entertainment for us.

Moreover

Linking Words

, the higher

consequences

Correct article usage

the consequences

show examples

the more

salary

Use synonyms

is supposed to be offered. In my opinion, professionals

such

Linking Words

as police, armies, and rescuers must get a higher

salary

Use synonyms

than

another job

Fix the agreement mistake

other jobs

show examples

because they risk their lives to protect the environment from criminalism, help

people

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who are in danger, and give a pleasant neighbourhood for society.

Nevertheless

Linking Words

, some professionals like doctors and educators spend much

money

Use synonyms

on their education to be able to save

people

Use synonyms

from illness and stupidity.

Hence

Linking Words

, to me, the government should guarantee their prosperity. In conclusion, many professions deserve to obtain a higher

salary

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owing to their sacrifices and hard work to be eligible. Some

also

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suffer more consequences and risks must be paid more than they used to be.

Submitted by misstiasclassroom on Sat Jan 27 2024

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Coherence and Cohesion

To improve your essay's logical structure, ensure your arguments follow a clear and straightforward progression from one point to the next. Use transition words and phrases to connect ideas smoothly.

Coherence and Cohesion

The introduction and conclusion could be stronger by having a clearly defined thesis statement and summary of key points. This will help in effectively establishing and concluding your perspective.

Coherence and Cohesion

Support your main points with more explicit and relevant examples. This will demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic and reinforce your arguments.

Task Achievement

Ensure that your response fully addresses all parts of the task. It appears that the essay could delve deeper into the reasons behind the level of pay for entertainers and offer a more balanced comparison with other professions.

Task Achievement

Clarify and expand upon your ideas to make them more comprehensive. Each paragraph should clearly state a main idea and the supporting sentences should elaborate on that idea substantially.

Task Achievement

While you provided some examples, strive to include more specific and relevant instances to illustrate your points. Draw from a wider range of knowledge or personal experience to give weight to your arguments.

12
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
3
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 5.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 5.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 5.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

5 paragraphs

277 words

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Some people believe that it is best to accept a bad situation, such as an unsatisfactory job or shortage of money. Others argue that it is better to try and improve such situations. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.