Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of job should be highly paid? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. You should write at least 250 words.
It is undeniable that some jobs are gaining more
money
than other professions. While
Correct word choice
People
people
argue that entertainers such
as actors, musicians or athletes are paid higher than they are supposed to get. I firmly disagree with this
statement because the more money
they acquire the more risks they get. That is
why I suppose every single job with more responsibilities and risks should offer more
Fix the agreement mistake
a higher
salary
.
First and foremost, many actresses and musicians have been undergo
more sacrifices than Change the verb form
undergoing
undergone
people
expected. For example
, during their childhood, they spent an abundance of time attending classes in music, acting, or arts. It is not only time-consuming,
but Remove the comma
apply
also
requires a lot of money
. Similarly
, athletes have b
een doing hardworks
since they started to build self sufficient to be eligible. Correct your spelling
hard works
hard work
Therefore
, they deserve a lot of money
for their work-life balance. In other words
, we should appreciate their struggles in terms of serving entertainment for us.
Moreover
, the higher consequences
the more Correct article usage
the consequences
salary
is supposed to be offered. In my opinion, professionals such
as police, armies, and rescuers must get a higher salary
than another job
because they risk their lives to protect the environment from criminalism, help Fix the agreement mistake
other jobs
people
who are in danger, and give a pleasant neighbourhood for society. Nevertheless
, some professionals like doctors and educators spend much money
on their education to be able to save people
from illness and stupidity. Hence
, to me, the government should guarantee their prosperity.
In conclusion, many professions deserve to obtain a higher salary
owing to their sacrifices and hard work to be eligible. Some also
suffer more consequences and risks must be paid more than they used to be.Submitted by misstiasclassroom on
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Coherence and Cohesion
To improve your essay's logical structure, ensure your arguments follow a clear and straightforward progression from one point to the next. Use transition words and phrases to connect ideas smoothly.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion could be stronger by having a clearly defined thesis statement and summary of key points. This will help in effectively establishing and concluding your perspective.
Coherence and Cohesion
Support your main points with more explicit and relevant examples. This will demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic and reinforce your arguments.
Task Achievement
Ensure that your response fully addresses all parts of the task. It appears that the essay could delve deeper into the reasons behind the level of pay for entertainers and offer a more balanced comparison with other professions.
Task Achievement
Clarify and expand upon your ideas to make them more comprehensive. Each paragraph should clearly state a main idea and the supporting sentences should elaborate on that idea substantially.
Task Achievement
While you provided some examples, strive to include more specific and relevant instances to illustrate your points. Draw from a wider range of knowledge or personal experience to give weight to your arguments.