IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of job should be highly paid? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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It is undeniable that some jobs are gaining more
money
Use synonyms
 than other professions.
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While
Correct word choice
People
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 argue that entertainers
such
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 as actors, musicians or athletes are paid higher than they are supposed to get. I firmly disagree with
this
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 statement because the more
money
Use synonyms
 they acquire the more risks they get.
That is
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 why I suppose every single job with more responsibilities and risks should offer
more
Fix the agreement mistake
a higher
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salary
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. First and foremost, many actresses and musicians have been
undergo
Change the verb form
undergoing
undergone
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 more sacrifices than
people
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 expected.
For example
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, during their childhood, they spent an abundance of time attending classes in music, acting, or arts. It is not only time-consuming
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 but
also
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 requires a lot of
money
Use synonyms
.
Similarly
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, athletes have b een doing
hardworks
Correct your spelling
hard works
hard work
 since they started to build self sufficient to be eligible.
Therefore
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, they deserve a lot of
money
Use synonyms
 for their work-life balance.
In other words
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, we should appreciate their struggles in terms of serving entertainment for us.
Moreover
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, the higher
consequences
Correct article usage
the consequences
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 the more
salary
Use synonyms
 is supposed to be offered. In my opinion, professionals
such
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 as police, armies, and rescuers must get a higher
salary
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 than
another job
Fix the agreement mistake
other jobs
show examples
 because they risk their lives to protect the environment from criminalism, help
people
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 who are in danger, and give a pleasant neighbourhood for society.
Nevertheless
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, some professionals like doctors and educators spend much
money
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 on their education to be able to save
people
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 from illness and stupidity.
Hence
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, to me, the government should guarantee their prosperity. In conclusion, many professions deserve to obtain a higher
salary
Use synonyms
 owing to their sacrifices and hard work to be eligible. Some
also
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 suffer more consequences and risks must be paid more than they used to be.

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Coherence and Cohesion
To improve your essay's logical structure, ensure your arguments follow a clear and straightforward progression from one point to the next. Use transition words and phrases to connect ideas smoothly.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion could be stronger by having a clearly defined thesis statement and summary of key points. This will help in effectively establishing and concluding your perspective.
Coherence and Cohesion
Support your main points with more explicit and relevant examples. This will demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic and reinforce your arguments.
Task Achievement
Ensure that your response fully addresses all parts of the task. It appears that the essay could delve deeper into the reasons behind the level of pay for entertainers and offer a more balanced comparison with other professions.
Task Achievement
Clarify and expand upon your ideas to make them more comprehensive. Each paragraph should clearly state a main idea and the supporting sentences should elaborate on that idea substantially.
Task Achievement
While you provided some examples, strive to include more specific and relevant instances to illustrate your points. Draw from a wider range of knowledge or personal experience to give weight to your arguments.
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