IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this case? Do you think is a positive or negative develompent?

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In the modern world, many youngsters spend a lot of time on their gadgets daily. In fact, it is not only
due to
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 the development of information technology but
also
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 to the introduction of video games, social networks and other applications for entertainment. In my opinion, though
this
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 tendency can benefit children, it has much more negative aspects.
For example
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, smartphones are harmful to a person’s health.
Moreover
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, electronic devices can be dangerous for
Correct article usage
the psycho
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psycho
Correct your spelling
psyche
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 of their owners and other
people
Use synonyms
. Actually, spending hours in front of a screen spoils a vision.
In addition
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, it can lead to
such
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 health problems, as back and headaches, insomnia, muscle strain and nervousness.
For example
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, my younger sister wastes her days playing computer games and watching videos from famous bloggers.
As a result
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, she has to wear glasses because her vision is getting worse and worse.
Furthermore
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, when my parents try to pick up her phone, she starts crying and screaming. I think
,
Remove the comma
apply
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this
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 behaviour is related to the smartphone’s effect. In fact,
people
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 suffering from gadget addiction have very serious mental issues.
Uncontrolled
Correct article usage
An uncontrolled
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 stream of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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visual information
affect
Change the verb form
affects
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 humans' mental health.
For instance
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, it was proven by scientists that smartphones can make
people
Use synonyms
 aggressive. There were many cases when
such
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 public had mental problems and even killed their friends, loved ones and other
people
Use synonyms
. To summarize, teenagers need to use gadgets only for studying and communication with their family and friends. I strongly believe, that children should be limited to the access of using their smartphones in order to make young
people
Use synonyms
’s lives real, healthier, rich in happy moments and full of new opportunities.

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coherence cohesion
Be sure to structure your essay logically, with clear paragraphs that each focus on a single main idea. Your essay often branches into different ideas within the same paragraph, making it harder to follow.
coherence cohesion
Make a clear distinction between the introduction, body, and conclusion sections. While you do have these sections, sometimes the points you are making are not clearly associated with the correct part of the essay structure.
task achievement
Use examples that directly support your main points. Some of the examples you provided, such as the case with your sister, are helpful, but others are too general and need more specific details to effectively support your argument.
task achievement
Work on developing a clear response to the task. You have addressed the questions, but sometimes your ideas are not fully developed. For example, you could explain why technology could be beneficial for children, but also elaborate on why it is more negative in your view.
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