IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

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It has become apparent that
,
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apply
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 the foods and beverages that are produced today contain high concentrations of
sugar
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 which causes various
health
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 defects.
However
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, I disagree with the solution
that is
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 raised for the issue and in
this
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 essay, I will analytically discuss the reasons for my disagreement. The first and foremost reason is, that the majority of sugary products are essential components of our everyday diet.
For example
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, bread, rice and pasta are considered staple foods because they contribute significant amounts of calories to our regular body functions.
People
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 should obtain
the
Correct article usage
an
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 average of three thousand kilo calories of energy per day and more than
two third
Correct your spelling
two-thirds
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 of it comes from above mentioned starchy food items. Increasing prices of
this
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 stuff would negatively affect
people
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’s
health
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 and well-being, thereby, the public will suffer from malnutrition. On top of that,
although
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 sugary products are made out of the price range of the general public, the occurrence of
health
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 issues will not be stopped unless
people
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 are educated regarding healthy habits. Not only the consumption of sweet products
,
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apply
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 but
also
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 the over-consumption of starchy foods are
also
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 not beneficial for
health
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 because they indirectly add
a substantial amounts
Correct the article-noun agreement
a substantial amount
substantial amounts
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 of
sugar
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 to the body.
For example
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, it has been scientifically proven that
,
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people
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 who eat more than three hundred grams of starch, have a risk of getting diabetes.
Therefore
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, it is mandatory to make
people
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 aware of the importance of a balanced diet and the consequences of taking excess amounts of
sugar
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.
This
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 way eventually reduces the high
sugar
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 intake of
people
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 and thereby, the government do not need to impose higher prices for sugary items. In conclusion, price increments will negatively impact regular staple diets as well.
However
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,
the
Correct article usage
a
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 better solution is to raise public awareness regarding healthy food habits and issues of excessive consumption of sweets. Through
this
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,
people
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 will gradually move away from higher sweet intake and thereby, reduce the risk of non-communicable diseases.

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Task Achievement
Make sure to directly address the essay question and clearly state your position in the introduction. For instance, you can do this by using phrases like 'I firmly disagree with the notion that...' to make your stance immediately clear.
Coherence and Cohesion
Develop your paragraphs with a single main idea each, preceded by a topic sentence and followed by supporting details and examples. This will strengthen the cohesion of your ideas.
Coherence and Cohesion
Utilize a range of linking words and phrases to connect ideas and paragraphs more effectively. However, avoid overusing them to ensure the essay flows naturally.
Task Achievement
In the conclusion, succinctly summarize your points and clearly restate your position without introducing new arguments.
Task Achievement
Enhance your task achievement score by providing more relevant, specific examples to support your arguments. For enhanced effectiveness, draw on real-world data or studies where possible.
Task Achievement
Ensure that your main ideas are relevant to the central topic and directly answer the question posed. Each paragraph should contribute clearly to the overall argument you are making.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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