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Writing Samples
Band 5

Many people spend a large amount of their free time playing computer games. What might be the reasons for this? Is this a good thing or a bad thing?

#people #amount #time #computer #games
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Playing online
games
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 is the most common thing for youngsters to lay out their time nowadays. By and large, computerization changes the perspective of a lot of
people
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 to
games
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 not as before.
This
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 essay will elaborate on the causes of
this
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 case
happening
Verb problem
apply
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and explain two major roles : negative impact and positive impact
to
Change preposition
on
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 the teenagers.
To begin
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 with, digital technology has advanced more rapidly in
this
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 century than any innovation in our history. Computers and all the internet equipment have redefined
people
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's lives and how they work, enjoy hobbies, and store information.
Thus
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 the kind of cause that makes everything easier, including leisure time.
However
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,
this
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 was followed by the development of online
games
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 via the rising markets targeting
the
Correct article usage
apply
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young
adult
Fix the agreement mistake
adults
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. Regarding the causes
to
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of
show examples
 the mentioned points made by advanced technology, there are several useful and bad
as a result
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 of the problem.
For instance
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, online
games
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 are one of the Esports that give new job opportunities for some pro players.
In addition
Linking Words
, there are many content creators that upload their skills in playing
games
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 through some videos
in
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on
show examples
 online platforms as content
that is
Linking Words
 promising income in the future.
In contrast
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, there are many kids who are addicted to playing online
games
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.
However
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, it is really affecting their lives as a teenager
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 still needs parental guidance to choose the right things.
Additionally
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, video
games
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 can be the cause of some popular mental issues.
For instance
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, scientists have already proven that violent video
games
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 make
people
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 become less sympathetic.
This
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 is
due to
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 the frequent contact with brutal scenes in those
games
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 that
people
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 gradually get used to. The writer suggests that regulating the rules for the internet based on age retrieved by the government is a viable option to face the situation.
Submitted by rossdannisa on

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Coherence and Cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, consider arranging your ideas more logically and using a wider range of connecting words to improve the flow of the essay. Providing clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph could further help to outline the main point being discussed.
Task Response
For task achievement, provide a balanced discussion on both the reasons why people play computer games and its impacts, both positive and negative. Ensure that all parts of the question are fully responded to and expand your supporting examples to make your argument more persuasive.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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