IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many contries shopping onlines is replacing shopping in stores. Discuss the advantage and disadvantage.

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In
this
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 massive change of technology phenomenon, there is a shifting of
people
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's behaviour towards shopping where nowadays citizens tend to buy goods on stream rather than offline in stores.
While
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 some
people
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 think online shopping might be exposed to potential fraud,
on the contrary
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, I believe it
beneficial
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is beneficial
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 for busy
people
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 which can save
money
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 and time to travel. On the one hand, our technological advancement has allowed us to do several activities from using only a single phone,
such
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 as shopping and mobile banking payment, without
needed
Wrong verb form
needing
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 to travel to the actual shops. For some
citizens
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citizens,
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 it is favorable because it can value their time and
money
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. There are several virtual
shops
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shop
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 applications scattered over the internet which
allows
Correct subject-verb agreement
allow
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 individuals to effortlessly seek their
necessity
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necessities
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 on stream
while
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 doing other activities.
Moreover
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, they
also
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 can straightforwardly
made
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make
be made
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 a payment and
waiting
Wrong verb form
wait
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 for the products
being
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to be
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 delivered by the vendor within three days.
However
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, those who oppose virtual stores may point out the potential dangers
such
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 as deception and human errors.
For instance
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, when making online
purchase
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purchases
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 our identity would be easily exposed to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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hackers once our data is
spreading
Wrong verb form
spread
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 out through the internet.
In addition
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, virtual shoppers can only see the picture of the products, not the actual
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
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.
Furthermore
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, there will be a chance of human errors
occuring
Correct your spelling
occurring
,
such
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 as transferring the wrong amount of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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money
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. Most younger
people
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 are able to avoid these complications but older users are particularly vulnerable to fraud. In conclusion, individuals must be mindful of potential fraud,
however
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, virtual stores are clearly beneficial technological
advancement
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advancements
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 which bring more
convenient
Replace the word
convenience
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such
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 as
reduce
Wrong verb form
reducing
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time
Correct article usage
the time
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 and
money
Use synonyms
 needed to buy commodities.

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coherence cohesion
The essay generally presents a logical structure, but to enhance, transitions between ideas could be smoother, and the connection between points could be strengthened. Ensure each paragraph leads naturally to the next.
coherence cohesion
Include an introduction with a clear thesis statement and a conclusion that restates the main points effectively. Both should be clearly distinguishable and summarise the discussion appropriately.
coherence cohesion
Each main point within the body of the essay should be supported with clear examples or evidence. Increase the range and depth of examples to bolster your arguments.
task achievement
Fully address the prompt by discussing both advantages and disadvantages in equal measure, and ensure that the argument encapsulates all aspects of the question.
task achievement
Develop ideas clearly and systematically throughout your essay. Each paragraph should have a main idea followed by comprehensive elaboration.
task achievement
Introduce more specific examples to support your points. This provides a detailed and nuanced understanding of the topic, enhancing the reader's engagement and the validity of your arguments.

Answer the 'Advantages and Disadvantages' topic

IELTS advantages and disadvantages questions normally give you a statement and ask you to comment on the advantages and disadvantages of that statement.

Answer structure for the type of essay

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – advantages
  • Body paragraph 2 – disadvantages
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • The main advantage is...
  • The disadvantage of this...
  • The main benefit...
  • Despite these advantages...
  • One possible drawback...

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