IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many offenders commit more crimes after serving their first punishment. why is this happening and what measure can be taken to tackle this problem.

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A minority of offenders perform more
crimes
Use synonyms
 after
giving
Verb problem
getting
show examples
 their first punishment.
This
Linking Words
 case is able to occur because of the minimum opportunities to
work
Use synonyms
 and
ineffectiveness
Correct article usage
the ineffectiveness
show examples
 of
rehabilitation
Use synonyms
, and it can
be tackle
Change the verb form
be tackled
show examples
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 serving an occasion of
employments
Fix the agreement mistake
employment
show examples
 and giving
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
effectiveness of
rehabilitation
Use synonyms
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, many people who have
done
Verb problem
committed
show examples
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
crimes
a crime
show examples
crimes
Use synonyms
arduous
Add a missing verb
have arduous
show examples
 to
obtain
Wrong verb form
obtaining
show examples
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
work opportunities
a work opportunity
show examples
work
Use synonyms
 opportunities. They have acquired a bad stigma because they
ever
Correct your spelling
never
show examples
 go to jail.
For instance
Linking Words
, a company does not want to receive ex-offenders because they think that they feel afraid
if
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 the criminal is going to repeat his
crimes
Use synonyms
 in that company.
In addition
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
process
Add an article
the process
show examples
 of
rehabilitation
Use synonyms
that is
Linking Words
 performed by
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
government
Use synonyms
 is not effective.
This
Linking Words
 situation can be induced because the time is no longer, and the program in
Use synonyms
rehabilitation
Add an article
the rehabilitation
show examples
process
Use synonyms
 is slightly efficient.
Therefore
Linking Words
, ex-offenders
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 not really done from their cases.
Secondly
Linking Words
, to tackle
this
Linking Words
 condition is able to be performed with
inveriable
Correct your spelling
invariable
 giving the chance to
work
Use synonyms
. A
government
Use synonyms
 and
company
Fix the agreement mistake
companies
show examples
 ought to provide the
employments
Fix the agreement mistake
employment
show examples
 without looking
his
Change preposition
at his
show examples
 ex-criminals or
no
Correct your spelling
not
show examples
.
Additionally
Linking Words
, the
government
Use synonyms
 should afford the effectiveness of time in
Use synonyms
rehabilitation
Add an article
the rehabilitation
show examples
process
Use synonyms
. The long time of
Use synonyms
process
Add an article
the process
show examples
 of
rehabilitation
Use synonyms
 should be similar to their cases, and the
government
Use synonyms
gives
Wrong verb form
should give
show examples
practicing
Replace the word
practice
show examples
 and teaching that can be used when they return to their homes.
For example
Linking Words
, the
government
Use synonyms
 supplies creativity in
makings
Correct your spelling
making
show examples
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 unique art or cooking.
Hence
Linking Words
, if they go out
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
prison, they are able to utilize their skills to open the business.
To sum up
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 occurrence can
be cause
Change the verb form
be caused
show examples
 because the ex-criminals are not received in
work
Use synonyms
 and lack of
rehabilitation
Use synonyms
.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, there are ways to tackle
this
Linking Words
 situation
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they
Correct pronoun usage
those
show examples
 who have
performed
Verb problem
committed
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
crimes
Use synonyms
 should still procure
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
opportunities to
work
Use synonyms
, and the
government
Use synonyms
provides
Wrong verb form
should provide
show examples
 the effectiveness of the program in
rehabilitation
Use synonyms
.

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coherence cohesion
It is evident that the essay attempts to address the topic, but there are significant issues with grammatical accuracy and lexical resource which make parts of it difficult to understand. Working on using correct grammatical structures and a wider range of vocabulary would help to convey ideas more clearly.
coherence cohesion
The essay has logical structure in the sense that there are distinct paragraphs, but transitions between ideas could be improved. Avoid overusing certain conjunctions or starting sentences in the same way for every paragraph. Variety in sentence structure will greatly enhance the readability of the essay.
coherence cohesion
The main points are supported with some general ideas, however, they lack development and specific examples. It's important to provide clear and succinct support for your arguments. Use relevant examples or data to back up your points. This specificity will raise the score in coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
While the essay provides an overall response to the prompt, it would benefit from a deeper analysis and more expanded ideas. The arguments are somewhat superficial and require further explanation and detail to fully answer the question. This would improve the task achievement score.
task achievement
Ensure that the introduction and conclusion are clear and summarize the main points of the essay. This is currently lacking, as the conclusion does not effectively summarize the arguments made. Adding a more conclusive final paragraph would strengthen the essay's overall impact.
task achievement
The use of examples is good, but they need to be more specific and relevant to the argument. Abstract examples make it difficult for the reader to understand the practical application of your ideas. Consider using case studies or citing specific programs that have been successful in other contexts.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • recidivism
  • rehabilitation
  • reintegration
  • stigma
  • ex-offender
  • criminal behavior
  • economic necessity
  • substance abuse
  • restorative justice
  • social network
  • supervision
  • monitoring programs
  • deter
  • incarceration
  • felon
  • crime prevention strategies
What to do next:
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