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Writing Samples
Band 7

The graph below shows information on employment rates across 6 countries in 1995 and 2005. Summarise the information by choosing and describe the main idea, and make comparisons where appropriate.

The graph below shows information on employment rates across 6 countries in 1995 and 2005. Summarise the information by choosing and describe the main idea, and make comparisons where appropriate.
#information #employment #rates #countries #summarise #idea #comparisons
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The chart shows the
employment
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
 in 1995 and 2005 between
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
 in
six
Use synonyms
countries
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, which are
Australia
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, Switzerland, Iceland,
UK
Correct article usage
the UK
show examples
, New
Zealand
Use synonyms
, and the USA.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is visible that both
women
Use synonyms
 and
men
Use synonyms
 had increased from 1995 to 2005.
Men
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consistently
Add a missing verb
were consistently
show examples
 on the lead on
employment
Use synonyms
rate
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 in
six
Use synonyms
countries
Use synonyms
 in both years. In 1995, the
men
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 reached its peak in Iceland with over 70% employed. On the flip side, it is lowest in the UK
for
Change preposition
at
show examples
 about approximately 55%. The differences between all the male
employment
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 ratios across
six
Use synonyms
countries
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 are not too significant with differences below 20%.
Whereas
Linking Words
 the
women
Use synonyms
 in 1995, the highest point is in Switzerland with about 55% employed, which is the same as
men
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 in
Australia
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 and the UK. The slump is in New
Zealand
Use synonyms
 with just 20% of
women
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 employed followed by
Australia
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 with the lowest
women
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employment
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rate
Use synonyms
 with differences of 10%. In 2005,
women
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 and
men
Use synonyms
 that are employed in
six
Use synonyms
countries
Use synonyms
 had increased drastically. The highest of all time given and all
countries
Use synonyms
 is reached by New
Zealand
Use synonyms
 with over 80% of
men
Use synonyms
 employed.
Whereas
Linking Words
 the
women
Use synonyms
 in New
Zealand
Use synonyms
 had the highest
employment
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rate
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 at that time about 69%
are
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 employed.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 year the least
women
Use synonyms
employment
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
 is in
Australia
Use synonyms
 with numbers below 40%. New
Zealand
Use synonyms
 is followed with only 41% of
women
Use synonyms
 employed in the country in 2005.
Submitted by semangatbanget.s2 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "whereas".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words employment, rate, men, women, six, countries, australia, zealand with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "differences" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 3 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • employment rates
  • economic indicators
  • comparative analysis
  • trends and patterns
  • economic factors
  • stability and change
  • sector-specific
  • job market
  • workforce participation
  • fluctuations
  • economic growth
  • unemployment
  • recession
  • boom
  • labor market dynamics
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