IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

The government should be responsible for providing retirees with financial support and care. While many people think that citizens should save money to take care of themselves when they are old. Discuss both views and give your opinion Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should write at least 250 words.

#government #retirees #support #care #people #citizens #money
In today's climate
people
 retire after a certain number of
years
 and prefer to stop working and enjoy the rustic charm of
life
. It has become a controversial minefield regarding the financial aspects
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 which each person should be responsible:
however
, I find myself among
Correct article usage
the criticts
show examples
criticts
Correct your spelling
critics
 who believe that it is
Correct article usage
the goverment’s
show examples
goverment’s
Correct your spelling
government’s
 responsibility. There are
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
 facts regarding the theory which
said
Wrong verb form
say
show examples
 that each individual should be looked after
their
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for their
show examples
 financial need.
The first
Correct article usage
First
show examples
 and foremost
is that
Verb problem
,
show examples
 finance can be assumed
like
Fix the infinitive
to like
show examples
 the other aspects of human
life
. Growing up, children are told to be
indipendent
Correct your spelling
independent
 and
their
Correct word choice
that their
show examples
 future is the result of their current
afairs
Correct your spelling
affairs
.
Therefore
, financial
topic
Fix the agreement mistake
topics
show examples
 can be considered the same and
youngesters
Correct your spelling
youngsters
 should save up for their later
years
. Another explanation is that in
this
 case
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 can invest the retirement budgets
on
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apply
show examples
the
increasing
Wrong verb form
increase
show examples
 the
qulity
Correct your spelling
quality
 of human habitation, like
construction
Correct article usage
the construction
show examples
 of recreational centers or top-notch hospitals. The more
facility
Fix the agreement mistake
facilities
show examples
 there
would be
Verb problem
are
show examples
, the happier
life
Replace the word
lives
show examples
people
 can lead. (There are 2 central ideas in
this
 paragraph) The major justification why
Correct article usage
the goverment
show examples
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 should support the
eldery
Correct your spelling
elderly
 is the fact that elder
people
 are physically and mentally demanding,
therefore
 they can not manage their budget
as well as
Correct article usage
the youths
show examples
youths
Fix the agreement mistake
youth
show examples
.
As a result
 of
this
, it is better that
athorities
Correct your spelling
authorities
 manage a plan regarding their money
managemet
Correct your spelling
management
. On top of that, in case of unpredicted
occations
Correct your spelling
occasions
,
people
 may
explurge
Correct your spelling
splurge
 their savings and
this
 can may cause difficulties
to
Add the comma(s)
, to
show examples
sum
Wrong verb form
summing
show examples
 up money.
In other words
,
Correct article usage
the goverment
show examples
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 can take the money and use it for different
purpuses
Correct your spelling
purposes
such
 as
Correct article usage
a loan
show examples
loan
Fix the agreement mistake
loans
show examples
 and give it back
years
 later. What can be concluded from the above is that by taking
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
responsibility
by
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for
show examples
 the
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
,
people
 will have
more
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a more
show examples
convinient
Correct your spelling
convenient
life
 in
last
Correct article usage
the last
show examples
years
 of their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
, a theory
which
Change preposition
to which
show examples
 I subscribe
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
.
Submitted by ashkanmlk80 on

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task achievement
The essay meets the basic requirements of the task, but there is significant room for improvement in both task response and coherence and cohesion. To enhance task achievement, make sure to offer a fully developed argument with clear, comprehensive ideas throughout the essay. This will involve expanding on points with more detailed explanations and incorporating specific, pertinent examples to support your statements. Additionally, ensure that the task is fully addressed from beginning to end, covering all aspects of the question posed.
coherence cohesion
In terms of coherence and cohesion, it's essential to work on the logical structuring of ideas. Aim to construct paragraphs with clear main ideas and supporting sentences that expand on these ideas in an organized manner. The transition between ideas should be smoother, which can be achieved by using a variety of linking words and cohesive devices. The introduction and conclusion are present but could be more effectively used to introduce the topics and summarize your argument, respectively. Pay close attention to spelling, grammar, and punctuation to enhance overall clarity.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • government responsibility
  • financial support
  • care
  • retirees
  • personal responsibility
  • retirement planning
  • social security
  • pension
  • benefits
  • concerns
  • dependency
  • adequate savings
  • elderly citizens
  • burden
  • welfare system
  • poverty
  • social safety net
  • financial stability
  • public funds
  • sustainable
  • reliable
  • case study
  • Japan
  • Sweden
  • United States
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