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Band 5

In order to reduce crime, we need to attack the cause of crime such as poverty and lack of educational opportunities. It’s not enough to simply have more police on the street and put more people into prison. Do you agree or disagree?

#crime #attack #poverty #lack #opportunities #it’s #police #street #people #prison
Nowadays, a dramatically increasing
crime
 rate can be observed and the main reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
this
 issue is that children from poor families are deprived of the ability to have a high education level. It is agreed , that poverty contributes to
crime
 prosperity,
therefore
 the growth in the number of police will not reduce the main problem.
This
 essay,
firstly
, will discuss why illegal methods are so widespread these days,followed by an analysis of measures which can be taken to decline risks.
To begin
 with, there are a myriad of families who suffer from unemployment and
a
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apply
show examples
poor economic status,
consequently
, they try to earn
money
 in illegal
ways
 ,
such
 as through thefts. There are some reasons which allow
this
 issue to become common.
Firstly
, there is a lack of
work
 positions ,especially for those who are poor,because each employer would probably prefer a successful person.
Secondly
, to have the ability to achieve something ,people need to have a diploma,
otherwise
, all
work
 opportunities are not available.
However
, most of the universities have high prices,
therefore
 poor parents can not allow their children to study,
thus
 a lot of them try to find other
ways
 to earn
money
 and usually, it is a
crime
.
Conversely
, to reduce the level of
thefts
Fix the agreement mistake
theft
show examples
,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should develop some educational programs for those kids. Countless police in the streets will not solve
this
 problem,
in contrast
, it will help to find other
ways
 for criminals because they would try to avoid prison. Providing people with
work
 opportunities would allow families to earn
money
 honestly,
moreover
, their kids would be able to study.
Thus
, during their educational programs, they can have a chance to
work
 as a volunteer, so in the near future, they
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 be competent enough to replace parents at
work
.
To conclude
,
this
 essay agrees that the
crime
 level is high and it is predictable that it will rise,
nevertheless
 , some special measures can be taken to contribute to the prosperity of legal
ways
 of
money
 earning.
Submitted by amina.ilyuk8 on

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task achievement
Ensure that you have a clear thesis statement in your introduction that directly addresses the question - do you agree or disagree.
task achievement
Include more specific examples and data to support your points and arguments. This adds validity to your argument and demonstrates an understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Work on creating clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader through your argument.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices and transition words to link ideas between sentences and paragraphs, which will help in improving the flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Consider expanding on your conclusion by summarizing your main points and restating your opinion to make a more impactful final impression on the reader.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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