IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In order to reduce crime, we need to attack the cause of crime such as poverty and lack of educational opportunities. It’s not enough to simply have more police on the street and put more people into prison. Do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays, a dramatically increasing
crime
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 rate can be observed and the main reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
this
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 issue is that children from poor families are deprived of the ability to have a high education level. It is agreed , that poverty contributes to
crime
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 prosperity,
therefore
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 the growth in the number of police will not reduce the main problem.
This
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 essay,
firstly
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, will discuss why illegal methods are so widespread these days,followed by an analysis of measures which can be taken to decline risks.
To begin
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 with, there are a myriad of families who suffer from unemployment and
a
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apply
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poor economic status,
consequently
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, they try to earn
money
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 in illegal
ways
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 ,
such
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 as through thefts. There are some reasons which allow
this
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 issue to become common.
Firstly
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, there is a lack of
work
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 positions ,especially for those who are poor,because each employer would probably prefer a successful person.
Secondly
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, to have the ability to achieve something ,people need to have a diploma,
otherwise
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, all
work
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 opportunities are not available.
However
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, most of the universities have high prices,
therefore
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 poor parents can not allow their children to study,
thus
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 a lot of them try to find other
ways
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 to earn
money
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 and usually, it is a
crime
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.
Conversely
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, to reduce the level of
thefts
Fix the agreement mistake
theft
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,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should develop some educational programs for those kids. Countless police in the streets will not solve
this
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 problem,
in contrast
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, it will help to find other
ways
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 for criminals because they would try to avoid prison. Providing people with
work
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 opportunities would allow families to earn
money
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 honestly,
moreover
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, their kids would be able to study.
Thus
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, during their educational programs, they can have a chance to
work
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 as a volunteer, so in the near future, they
would
Wrong verb form
will
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 be competent enough to replace parents at
work
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.
To conclude
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,
this
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 essay agrees that the
crime
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 level is high and it is predictable that it will rise,
nevertheless
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 , some special measures can be taken to contribute to the prosperity of legal
ways
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 of
money
Use synonyms
 earning.

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task achievement
Ensure that you have a clear thesis statement in your introduction that directly addresses the question - do you agree or disagree.
task achievement
Include more specific examples and data to support your points and arguments. This adds validity to your argument and demonstrates an understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Work on creating clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader through your argument.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices and transition words to link ideas between sentences and paragraphs, which will help in improving the flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Consider expanding on your conclusion by summarizing your main points and restating your opinion to make a more impactful final impression on the reader.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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