IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some parents buy their children a large number of toys to play with. What are the advantages and disadvantages for the child of having a large number of toys?

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Nowadays parents purchase numerous
toys
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 for their
children
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. From my perspective, having many
games
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 could enhance
children
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's development in several aspects,
while
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 some drawbacks could
also
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 be observed. The advantages of having a large number of
toys
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 for pupils’ development are many. First and foremost, it facilitates pupils to enhance their knowledge about a lot of things.
For instance
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, pupils who are under 2 years old will have the ability to differentiate between dark and light colours and
also
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 types of shapes earlier since they have numerous things to learn and to compare through their
toys
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.
Secondly
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, kids are able to be happier than before. If kids have many
toys
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, they might not feel bothersome as they have some choices to play with. Scientists believe that
this
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 condition will boost both dopamine and serotonin hormone in a child’s body
,
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apply
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 so that they will be happier.
Thus
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, by having many
toys
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 not only will child foster their knowledge, but
also
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 they will be happier.
However
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,
children
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 who have many
games
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 usually neglect their sleeping
time
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. Study reveals that when pupils have many choices of
games
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, they tend to spend the majority of their
time
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 playing with their
games
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 as they have high curiosity about that sort of thing, leading to ignoring
the
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apply
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sleeping
time
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.
Consequently
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, they might have sleep deprivation, and
this
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 condition is not good for pupils’ health. In conclusion, the advantages of having many
toys
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 outweigh the disadvantages.
Nevertheless
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, I
also
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 advocate that parents should have strict rules about
time
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 management in playing
games
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 for
children
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 to avoid unintended consequences.

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Task Achievement
Ensure that you are providing specific examples to support your points. Statements like 'Study reveals that when pupils have many choices of games, they tend to...' should reference actual studies or provide hypothetical, but realistic examples for greater impact and to satisfy the examiner's expectations for specificity.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on creating a more logical structure in your essay by using a wider range of cohesive devices and paragraphing effectively. This will improve the flow of ideas and the overall coherence of your writing. Each new point should start a new paragraph, and you should use linking words to connect your ideas smoothly.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present and generally focused, which is good. However, try to refine these components by clearly restating your topic and summarizing your main points in the conclusion. For improved clarity, directly address the question of advantages and disadvantages in your introduction to set a clear direction for your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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