IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Many people nowadays spend a large part of their free time using a smartphone. What do you think are the reasons for this? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

#people #part #time #smartphone #development
At present days, lots of
people
 are prone to spend the majority of their leisure
time
 looking at their
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
. During long layoffs,
time
 between
classess
Correct your spelling
classes
, or waiting for a bus, many
people
 choose to look at their screen rather than talk to others or engage with their surroundings. There are several factors causing
this
 phenomenon to occur
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 our society. The first obvious factor is the availability and the accessibility of
entertainments
Fix the agreement mistake
entertainment
show examples
 in our gadgets. In our phones, there are tons of activities that we can do to fill our free
time
such
 as playing video games, listening to music, and watching videos or movies, and they are all easy to access by everyone as long as they possess the internet data. Meanwhile, non-phone activities, if compared to those available
at
Change preposition
on
show examples
 phones, are more limited and, sometimes, take more
efforts
Fix the agreement mistake
effort
show examples
. Knitting,
for instance
, requires various
equipments
Correct your spelling
equipment
 and cannot be undertaken everywhere.
Thus
, it motivates
people
 to just spend
time
 using their
gadget
Fix the agreement mistake
gadgets
show examples
 where it is simple.
In addition
, social
media
also
 plays a vital role for
this
 to happen. Since
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
a social
creature
Fix the agreement mistake
creatures
show examples
, they will have a demand to keep socializing, especially those with extroverted
personality
Fix the agreement mistake
personalities
show examples
.
The social
Correct article usage
Social
show examples
media
 like Facebook, Twitter, and
Instagrams
Fix the agreement mistake
Instagram
show examples
 become the answer
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the problem as it enables
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
 to
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 their social needs
everwhere
Correct your spelling
everywhere
show examples
 at all times, including their free
time
.
Also
, they,
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 some cases, prefer to speak with
someone
 familiar. It explains why
someone
, during a bus wait full of strangers,
instead
 of talking with the person next to him,
choose
Change the verb form
chooses
show examples
 to be online
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 social
media
 and have a chat with
someone
 they know.
Therefore
, social
media
 becomes the supplementary reason for
people
 to look at their
gadget
Fix the agreement mistake
gadgets
show examples
 most of the
time
. Speaking of the impact, I think
this
 social phenomenon has led to a negative development as it not only affects a person's interpersonal relationship but
also
 his personality. Spending too much
time
 online may decrease
someone
's social
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 and, eventually, make them become introverted. If
this
 keeps happening for an extended period of
time
, many
people
 will lose interest in real-life activities and chatting.
Submitted by narawriteshare9 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Continue to structure your essay with clear paragraphs, including introductions and conclusions, to maintain good coherence and cohesion.
coherence cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structures and ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next for a more seamless reading experience.
task achievement
Provide real-life examples to support your main points. Instead of speaking in general terms, specific instances or data can strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
Make sure that your ideas are not only clear but also fully developed. Expand on your ideas to provide a comprehensive understanding of the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: