IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that traditional culture can be destroyed as money-making attractions to tourists. However, others believe that it is the only way to save traditions. Discuss both views and give you our opinion.

#people #culture #attractions #tourists #traditions
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In
this
Linking Words
fast pacing
Correct your spelling
fast-paced
show examples
 world, the public
tend
Change the verb form
tends
show examples
 to neglect the importance of traditional cultures around them. It is a form of identity and a piece of history of the nation. Despite that, there are still
people
Use synonyms
 who believe that
money- making
Correct your spelling
money-making
show examples
 attractions will be a replacement for the better. On one hand, many argue that traditional cultures
shall
Verb problem
should
show examples
 not be
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sacrifice
Wrong verb form
sacrificed
show examples
 to economic-driven
tradition
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, turning a ritual
to
Change preposition
into
show examples
 a form stage performance will end the spiritual aspect of it. The fact that tourists might disrespect
others
Change noun form
others'
other's
show examples
culture
Fix the agreement mistake
cultures
show examples
, might be a
turn off
Add a hyphen
turn-off
show examples
 when the thought of it
arise
Correct subject-verb agreement
arises
show examples
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
people
Use synonyms
’s
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 with strong cultural
believe
Replace the word
beliefs
show examples
 feel disheartened when their
tradition
Use synonyms
 becomes a shell, lacking the essence of the actual meaning.
Thus
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
argues
Change the verb form
argue
show examples
 the need
of turning
Change preposition
to turn
show examples
traditions
Use synonyms
 into money-driven means.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, others believe that commercialising locations of strong traditional culture will be the only way to preserve their
tradition
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, the streets of
Chinatown
Use synonyms
 in Singapore are now filled with malls, train stations, and vendors. In the past,
Chinatown
Use synonyms
 used to be a gathering place for the workers who are called the “Coolies”. Obviously,
Chinatown
Use synonyms
 is not merely a district to many Singaporeans but
also
Linking Words
 roots that hold their
traditions
Use synonyms
 strong. Currently,
Chinatown
Use synonyms
 has changed drastically, allowing tourists to visit it easily. As
such
Linking Words
,
Chinatown
Use synonyms
 now attracts more
people
Use synonyms
 than ever, and it can be confidently said that building infrastructure in
such
Linking Words
 places promotes the
tradition
Use synonyms
 of Singapore to the outside world. In my opinion, I strongly agree that the only way to save
traditions
Use synonyms
 is to build attractions with their influence. Any places that present
traditions
Use synonyms
 to others are from the past, and they are rundown. To attract
this
Linking Words
 younger generation, changes are necessary. The government can refurbish the location, bring businesses to the area, and even increase the number of possible transports. With fundamental needs satisfied, tourists visiting will feel extremely welcome and eventually recommend their family and friends over as well. Through
this
Linking Words
 process, I can foresee the influence of the Chinese
tradition
Use synonyms
 growing exponentially.
Submitted by hanz.hyz326 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
To improve task achievement, ensure that the introduction more clearly presents the question's topic and your thesis. Expand your conclusion to summarize the discussed points effectively and assert your stance with a more definitive viewpoint.
Coherence & Cohesion
Develop coherent paragraphs with clear topic sentences that connect directly to the thesis. Use a range of linking words and phrases to better connect ideas and paragraphs.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: