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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think that traditional culture can be destroyed as money-making attractions to tourists. However, others believe that it is the only way to save traditions. Discuss both views and give you our opinion.

#people #culture #attractions #tourists #traditions
In
this
fast pacing
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fast-paced
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 world, the public
tend
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tends
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 to neglect the importance of traditional cultures around them. It is a form of identity and a piece of history of the nation. Despite that, there are still
people
 who believe that
money- making
Correct your spelling
money-making
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 attractions will be a replacement for the better. On one hand, many argue that traditional cultures
shall
Verb problem
should
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 not be
a
Correct article usage
apply
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sacrifice
Wrong verb form
sacrificed
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 to economic-driven
tradition
.
For instance
, turning a ritual
to
Change preposition
into
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 a form stage performance will end the spiritual aspect of it. The fact that tourists might disrespect
others
Change noun form
others'
other's
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culture
Fix the agreement mistake
cultures
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, might be a
turn off
Add a hyphen
turn-off
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 when the thought of it
arise
Correct subject-verb agreement
arises
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to
Change preposition
in
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people
’s
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
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.
Furthermore
,
people
 with strong cultural
believe
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beliefs
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 feel disheartened when their
tradition
 becomes a shell, lacking the essence of the actual meaning.
Thus
,
people
argues
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argue
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 the need
of turning
Change preposition
to turn
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traditions
 into money-driven means.
On the other hand
, others believe that commercialising locations of strong traditional culture will be the only way to preserve their
tradition
.
For example
, the streets of
Chinatown
 in Singapore are now filled with malls, train stations, and vendors. In the past,
Chinatown
 used to be a gathering place for the workers who are called the “Coolies”. Obviously,
Chinatown
 is not merely a district to many Singaporeans but
also
 roots that hold their
traditions
 strong. Currently,
Chinatown
 has changed drastically, allowing tourists to visit it easily. As
such
,
Chinatown
 now attracts more
people
 than ever, and it can be confidently said that building infrastructure in
such
 places promotes the
tradition
 of Singapore to the outside world. In my opinion, I strongly agree that the only way to save
traditions
 is to build attractions with their influence. Any places that present
traditions
 to others are from the past, and they are rundown. To attract
this
 younger generation, changes are necessary. The government can refurbish the location, bring businesses to the area, and even increase the number of possible transports. With fundamental needs satisfied, tourists visiting will feel extremely welcome and eventually recommend their family and friends over as well. Through
this
 process, I can foresee the influence of the Chinese
tradition
 growing exponentially.
Submitted by hanz.hyz326 on

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Task Achievement
To improve task achievement, ensure that the introduction more clearly presents the question's topic and your thesis. Expand your conclusion to summarize the discussed points effectively and assert your stance with a more definitive viewpoint.
Coherence & Cohesion
Develop coherent paragraphs with clear topic sentences that connect directly to the thesis. Use a range of linking words and phrases to better connect ideas and paragraphs.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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