IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
Nowadays, numerous
people
 consume food that contains a lot of
sugar
 in it. I agree with
this
 notion, where increasing sugary
products'
Change noun form
products
show examples
 bills can tackle
drawbacks
Correct article usage
the drawbacks
show examples
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 excessive
sugar
 consumption.
This
 essay will discuss the benefits
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the rise of sugary
products
. In general, meals or drinks that carry high
sugar
 in the ingredients like desserts like cake, candy, and chocolate are most likely to be tempting,
as a result
, humans usually love to consume
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
.
Whereas
, high levels of
sugar
 in manufactured food and drink
products
 impact health problems.
For instance
, weight gain including diabetes, obesity, and
people
 can easily get tired or even sleepy all the time.
Moreover
,
sugar
 could become addictive for several humans.
Thus
, these problems must be tackled through something like
policy
Correct article usage
a policy
show examples
 or program to increase the price of the glace
products
.
Therefore
, making sugary
products
 more expensive can discourage excessive
sugar
 consumption through increasing taxes.
This
 program could promote the awareness of the public about the
danger
Replace the word
dangerous
show examples
 effects and
people
 could choose healthier
products
.
Moreover
, the
fund
Fix the agreement mistake
funds
show examples
 from the taxes
itself
Correct pronoun usage
themselves
show examples
 can be delivered for education and prevention programs
such
 as socialization.
For example
, a government or organization that focused on health could make an event that used the
fund
Fix the agreement mistake
funds
show examples
 from
that
Correct determiner usage
those
show examples
 taxes.
Hence
,
this
 movement could bring benefits
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society and
also
 the consumption of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sugary
products
 will decrease. In conclusion, I firmly believe that making sugary
products
 more expensive through tax is one of the solutions to prevent
people
 from health problems.
Submitted by izzahayuni85 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
To enhance your score in task achievement, ensure that you fully address all parts of the prompt. You should provide a balanced discussion with clear opinions while elaborating your points of view with a wider range of examples and supporting details.
coherence cohesion
Improve coherence by using a variety of linking words and organizing your essay into clear, logical paragraphs. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea and subsequent sentences should support that idea.
coherence cohesion
In terms of cohesion, aim to clearly connect your ideas both within and between paragraphs. Use referencing words, substitution, and ellipsis effectively to maintain cohesion and avoid repetition.
coherence cohesion
Diversify your sentence structures and aim for a balance of complex and simple sentences to enhance logical flow and readability.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
What to do next:
Look at other essays: