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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Scientist and technology experts seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists. To what extent do you agree?

#scientist #technology #experts #society #musicians #artists
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Science
Use synonyms
 and
tehcnology
Correct your spelling
technology
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 the mainstones of modern
societies
Use synonyms
. They are bitterly important for development and civilization.
However
Linking Words
,
art
Use synonyms
 is at least as important as
science
Use synonyms
 and technology. When it is considered that
art
Use synonyms
 doesn'
t
Use synonyms
 contribute
civilization
Change preposition
to civilization
show examples
 like
science
Use synonyms
 and technology, it may be ignored the
art
Use synonyms
's importance. As in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
modern
societies
Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
 have been getting more pragmatist,
it
Correct word choice
and it
show examples
 may seem that
art
Use synonyms
 doesn'
t
Use synonyms
 support a better
society
Use synonyms
. But
that is
Linking Words
 not true.
Art
Use synonyms
 and music are the best ways to evaluate a
society
Use synonyms
's development and civilization level. There are too many reasons for that: First of all,
people
Use synonyms
 need to have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
leisure time and don'
t
Use synonyms
 have any anxiety about their basic needs to be able to create works of
art
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, if an artist doesn'
t
Use synonyms
 have enough money to maintain his and his family's life he will need to work more and he will not have enough time to create a work of
art
Use synonyms
. In short, the high interest in
art
Use synonyms
 and music in
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
society
Use synonyms
 shows that
this
Linking Words
society
Use synonyms
 is developed and
people
Use synonyms
 can think about something different from their basic needs.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
art
Use synonyms
 leads
people
Use synonyms
 to have a rest and spend their
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
 with what makes them happy. If
people
Use synonyms
 have a chance to spend time
with
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their hobbies, they will be more productive at their
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 and
also
Linking Words
 they will be less
stressfull
Correct your spelling
stressful
.
Thus
Linking Words
,
art
Use synonyms
 creates a more productive
society
Use synonyms
. When
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
history has been considered, it can be easily seen that the
societies
Use synonyms
 which didn'
t
Use synonyms
 care the
art
Use synonyms
 and didn'
t
Use synonyms
 give it the value that it deserved are generally more likely not to develop. There
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 been so many reasons to didn'
t
Use synonyms
 give
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
value the
art
Use synonyms
, even made it
forbidden
Add a missing verb
was forbidden
show examples
 throughout
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
history
due to
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
religious and cultural aspects. But
everytime
Replace the word
every time
show examples
 the
art
Use synonyms
 was ignored, there was ignorantism and these
Use synonyms
society's
Change the noun form
societies
society
show examples
 couldn'
t
Use synonyms
 develop
theirselves
Correct your spelling
themselves
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. If we would like to build a modern
society
Use synonyms
 which is developed, modern and liveable we have to care
Use synonyms
art
Change preposition
about art
show examples
 as much as we care
Use synonyms
science
Change preposition
about science
show examples
 and technology. In my opinion, in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
modern
Use synonyms
society
Add a comma
society,
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 there are too many
people
Use synonyms
 who understand
Linking Words
this aspects
Change the determiner
this aspect
these aspects
show examples
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
art
Use synonyms
 to develop a
society
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the awareness about
this
Linking Words
 situation has been increasing and it will be better in the future. Governments and
societies
Use synonyms
 should support
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
artists and give them the value that they deserve.
Otherwise
Linking Words
, there will
no
Add a missing verb
be no
show examples
 outcome about to face with an underdeveloped
society
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by vincase36 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that the introduction clearly presents the topic and your viewpoint. Consider rephrasing for clarity and adding a stronger thesis statement.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear central idea and that all sentences within the paragraph support that idea. Avoid introducing new concepts without proper development.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices to help the reader follow your argument more easily. This includes transition words, topic sentences, and conjunctions.
task achievement
Fully address the prompt by discussing the extent to which you agree or disagree, providing a balanced view if that is your stance, and clarifying why you hold this opinion.
task achievement
Provide clear, developed examples to support your ideas. These examples should be specific, relevant, and effectively illustrate your argument.
task achievement
Strive for clear and comprehensive responses to all aspects of the prompt. This helps the reader understand the full scope of your argument and the depth of your understanding.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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