IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some children spen hours every day on their smartphones Why is this the case? Do you thinki this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #spen #hours #smartphones #case #thinki #development
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In the present day, the development of technology is very rapid and on the rise.
Smartphones
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is
Change the verb form
are
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 one of the results as they
be
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are
show examples
 more accessible and used by various generations. Nowadays, even
children
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 have their
smartphones
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 and
this
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 leads to many advantages and disadvantages.
This
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 essay will discuss the negative and positive development of
smartphones
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 for
children
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 and
ended
Wrong verb form
end
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by
Change preposition
with
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 my opinion as well.
To begin
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 with, I personally agree that
smartphones
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 provide a lot of services and help us in our daily
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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. With
smartphones
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, we can access information,
knowledge
Correct word choice
and knowledge
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, and learn many skills from anywhere.
And
Correct word choice
Also
show examples
also
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 same position in
children
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, using
smartphones
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 can help them to become more open up to the outside world and gain more knowledge.
On the other hand
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,
besides
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 of many benefits of
smartphones
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 is undeniable, the use of
smartphones
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 by teenagers and kids
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 a lot of negative impacts. Because if they can not control themselves, they will be under the influence and spend hours using
smartphones
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 every day. Their social experience and skills will
also
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 be limited
due to
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 minimum exposure
of
Change preposition
to
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 meeting friends and new environments in real life.
Additionally
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, phones will affect them not only mentally but
also
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 physically. In conclusion,
although
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smartphones
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 provide many positive impacts, the negative effects of the use of
smartphones
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 in
children
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 outweigh the advantages because
smartphones
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 will ruin them mentally and physically. So,
i
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I
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 think parents
supposed
Add a missing verb
are supposed
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 to limit, supervise and control the usage of their
smartphones
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.
Submitted by rlsk.2899 on

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coherence cohesion
It is important to ensure that the essay has a clear logical structure. Aim for a more seamless transition between paragraphs and ensure that each paragraph flows naturally to the next. Make use of cohesive devices but avoid over-reliance on them.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present but could be strengthened. It's essential to clearly restate the topic and succinctly summarize your argument in both sections, giving the reader a sense of closure at the end of the essay.
coherence cohesion
While main points are supported somewhat, aim to provide more specific examples and evidence to underpin each point. Balancing the discussion between negative and positive aspects could improve the argument's complexity and depth.
task achievement
Ensure the response completes all parts of the task. While you have addressed the 'why' aspect, more depth and development are needed in explaining if the trend is positive or negative. Offer a more balanced discussion before stating your opinion.
task achievement
Your essay presents clear ideas, but strive for greater clarity and comprehensiveness. Expand on points and give a deeper analysis to fully articulate your argument and enhance reader understanding.
task achievement
Incorporate more relevant and specific examples to support your argument. Examples help to illustrate your points and make them more convincing to the reader. It also demonstrates a broader understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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