In many countries children are engaged in sorne kind of paid work. Sorne people regard this as complete/y wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
The television
can be dangerous Correct article usage
Television
due to
the fact that any community
or family can be damaged by it. We decide to watch it instead
of talking to our loved ones or even visiting them. I completely agree with this
, nowadays technologies
is tearing family relationships apartFix the agreement mistake
technology
,
because we are more focused on the TV itself rather than our Remove the comma
apply
community
. Although
, watching the TV with everybody can transform in
good memories Change preposition
into
at the end
of the day.
The technologies can also
be seen from another perspective and, furthermore
, the screen can create good memories between
a Change preposition
in
community
. As well as
,
a series or a show could create an infinite conversation between our loved ones. Remove the comma
apply
For instance
, we decided to meet up and, because everyone watched the Jimmy Fallon show with Taylor Swift the other day, we couldn’t stop commenting and laughing about it.
Television can also
break down relationships with our family. Sometimes, when watching the screen we purely focus on it and we forget about our surrounding
. Fix the agreement mistake
surroundings
Therefore
, a survey conducted by the University of Paris in 2023 showed that the
technologies, Correct article usage
apply
as
Correct quantifier usage
such as
mobiles
phones and Change the noun form
mobile
the
TV, can create problems in the family in Correct article usage
apply
a
long term Correct article usage
the
due to
the fact that they became
addicted to the screens.
In conclusion, in my opinion, Wrong verb form
become
this
statement is completely true owing to the fact that society nowadays, is becoming addicted to this
new era and they forget of the real world. Even though, these can create good memories between
the Change preposition
in
community
is it clear that the
television affects more negatively than it Correct article usage
apply
can
positively.Verb problem
apply
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task achievement
The essay lacks a clear response to the given IELTS topic about children engaged in paid work and instead discusses an unrelated topic (television's impact on family and community). This deviation from the task demonstrates a misunderstanding of the task requirements. To improve, make sure to directly address the provided essay prompt and develop your argument in response to the stated views.
coherence & cohesion
Your essay should include a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction should clearly state the issue being discussed and your thesis statement. Each body paragraph should have a main idea, supported by explanations and examples. The conclusion should succinctly summarize your arguments and restate your thesis. Use clear paragraphing and ensure that each paragraph has a central theme.
coherence & cohesion
Support main points with specific arguments and relevant examples. Use linking phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph logically follows from the previous one, and use signposting language to clearly indicate the progression of your ideas.