IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

In many countries children are engaged in sorne kind of paid work. Sorne people regard this as complete/y wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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The television
Correct article usage
Television
show examples
 can be dangerous
due to
Linking Words
 the fact that any
community
Use synonyms
 or family can be damaged by it. We decide to watch it
instead
Linking Words
 of talking to our loved ones or even visiting them. I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
, nowadays
technologies
Fix the agreement mistake
technology
show examples
 is tearing family relationships apart
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because we are more focused on the TV itself rather than our
community
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
, watching the TV with everybody can transform
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 good memories
at the end
Linking Words
 of the day. The technologies can
also
Linking Words
 be seen from another perspective and,
furthermore
Linking Words
, the screen can create good memories
between
Change preposition
in
show examples
 a
community
Use synonyms
.
As well as
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 a series or a show could create an infinite conversation between our loved ones.
For instance
Linking Words
, we decided to meet up and, because everyone watched the Jimmy Fallon show with Taylor Swift the other day, we couldn’t stop commenting and laughing about it. Television can
also
Linking Words
 break down relationships with our family. Sometimes, when watching the screen we purely focus on it and we forget about our
surrounding
Fix the agreement mistake
surroundings
show examples
.
Therefore
Linking Words
 , a survey conducted by the University of Paris in 2023 showed that
the
Correct article usage
apply
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technologies,
as
Correct quantifier usage
such as
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mobiles
Change the noun form
mobile
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 phones and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
TV, can create problems in the family in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 long term
due to
Linking Words
 the fact that they
became
Wrong verb form
become
show examples
 addicted to the screens. In conclusion, in my opinion,
this
Linking Words
 statement is completely true owing to the fact that society nowadays, is becoming addicted to
this
Linking Words
 new era and they forget of the real world. Even though, these can create good memories
between
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
community
Use synonyms
 is it clear that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
television affects more negatively than it
can
Verb problem
apply
show examples
positively.

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task achievement
The essay lacks a clear response to the given IELTS topic about children engaged in paid work and instead discusses an unrelated topic (television's impact on family and community). This deviation from the task demonstrates a misunderstanding of the task requirements. To improve, make sure to directly address the provided essay prompt and develop your argument in response to the stated views.
coherence & cohesion
Your essay should include a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction should clearly state the issue being discussed and your thesis statement. Each body paragraph should have a main idea, supported by explanations and examples. The conclusion should succinctly summarize your arguments and restate your thesis. Use clear paragraphing and ensure that each paragraph has a central theme.
coherence & cohesion
Support main points with specific arguments and relevant examples. Use linking phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph logically follows from the previous one, and use signposting language to clearly indicate the progression of your ideas.
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