In many countries children are engaged in sorne kind of paid work. Sorne people regard this as complete/y wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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The television
Correct article usage
Television

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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can be dangerous
due to
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

the fact that any
community
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

or family can be damaged by it. We decide to watch it
instead
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

of talking to our loved ones or even visiting them. I completely agree with
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, nowadays
technologies
Fix the agreement mistake
technology

It seems that technologies may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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is tearing family relationships apart
,
Remove the comma
apply

It appears that you have an unnecessary comma before the dependent clause marker because. Consider removing the comma.

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because we are more focused on the TV itself rather than our
community
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

.
Although
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, watching the TV with everybody can transform
in
Change preposition
into

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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good memories
at the end
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

of the day. The technologies can
also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

be seen from another perspective and,
furthermore
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, the screen can create good memories
between
Change preposition
in

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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a
community
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

.
As well as
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

,
Remove the comma
apply

It appears that you have an unnecessary comma after the subordinating conjunction as. Consider removing the comma.

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a series or a show could create an infinite conversation between our loved ones.
For instance
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, we decided to meet up and, because everyone watched the Jimmy Fallon show with Taylor Swift the other day, we couldn’t stop commenting and laughing about it. Television can
also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

break down relationships with our family. Sometimes, when watching the screen we purely focus on it and we forget about our
surrounding
Fix the agreement mistake
surroundings

It seems that surrounding may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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.
Therefore
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, a survey conducted by the University of Paris in 2023 showed that
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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technologies,
as
Correct quantifier usage
such as

It seems that quantifier use may be incorrect here.

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mobiles
Change the noun form
mobile

Your sentence appears to use the incorrect form of mobiles. Consider changing it to singular.

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phones and
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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TV, can create problems in the family in
a
Correct article usage
the

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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long term
due to
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

the fact that they
became
Wrong verb form
become

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb became. Consider changing it.

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addicted to the screens. In conclusion, in my opinion,
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

statement is completely true owing to the fact that society nowadays, is becoming addicted to
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

new era and they forget of the real world. Even though, these can create good memories
between
Change preposition
in

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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the
community
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

is it clear that
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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television affects more negatively than it
can
Verb problem
apply

There may be a verb use issue here.

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positively.
Submitted by santos_dij on

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task achievement
The essay lacks a clear response to the given IELTS topic about children engaged in paid work and instead discusses an unrelated topic (television's impact on family and community). This deviation from the task demonstrates a misunderstanding of the task requirements. To improve, make sure to directly address the provided essay prompt and develop your argument in response to the stated views.
coherence & cohesion
Your essay should include a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction should clearly state the issue being discussed and your thesis statement. Each body paragraph should have a main idea, supported by explanations and examples. The conclusion should succinctly summarize your arguments and restate your thesis. Use clear paragraphing and ensure that each paragraph has a central theme.
coherence & cohesion
Support main points with specific arguments and relevant examples. Use linking phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph logically follows from the previous one, and use signposting language to clearly indicate the progression of your ideas.
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