IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Older people often choose to spend their money on themselves (e.g., on holiday) rather than save money for their children after retirement. Is this a positive or negative development?

#people #money #e #g #holiday #children #retirement #development
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is true that older generations prefer to live on their own terms in spite of
put
Change the verb form
putting
show examples
 their money aside for their juveniles. Older individuals choose to spend more money on themselves, their needs and
wishes
Correct pronoun usage
their wishes
show examples
,
instead
Linking Words
 of
economize
Wrong verb form
economising
show examples
, giving them to their minors, and I believe there are both positive and negative effects. First and foremost, the importance of living for our desires is quite beneficial for a brave and healthy life, that makes us alive, gives us motivation and maintain
physical
Correct pronoun usage
our physical
show examples
 condition.
For instance
Linking Words
, many older members of society have
chronical
Correct your spelling
chronic
 diseases,
such
Linking Words
 as diabetes, cardiovascular disease or even depression which
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 most common among the older generations.
That is
Linking Words
 why mental health and
satisfactory
Correct article usage
a satisfactory
show examples
 life
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
 should be taken seriously. Spending your personal capital to ensure your own health is the first necessary step for any person.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the importance of family support is another level. It is true that we should take
care
Use synonyms
 of ourselves,
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 we should be parents
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 our children the same and give them
wonderful
Correct article usage
a wonderful
show examples
 future, even for grandchildren. As we
care
Use synonyms
 about our family, so will their members
care
Use synonyms
 about us.
For example
Linking Words
, parents might sponsor the purchase of property, babysitting, and education. These things would be enough for a better standard of living.
To sum up
Linking Words
, nowadays elderly individuals really
care
Use synonyms
 more about themselves and their desires, but if we are
concerning
Replace the word
concerned with
show examples
 family morals, we should be quite supportive and understanding.
For
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 reason, the quality of selfishness is not that attributive in
this
Linking Words
 case.
Submitted by acaitaz on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
You have addressed the question but should expand on each main point with more relevant, detailed examples and explanations to support your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Try to develop clearer topic sentences that directly relate to the question, and use a wider range of cohesive devices to link your ideas more effectively.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: