IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

veryone should stay in school until the age of eighteen , considering the significance of primary & secondary level education in a learner's life. To what extent do you agree or disagree ?

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Every child should get twelve years of
school
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 or until eighteen years old, as we know primary
school
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 plays an important role for
children
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.
people
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 must get enough
education
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however
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 it can be a foundation for lifelong learning and development
skills
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. I completely agree with
this
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 statement in
this
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 essay will carry my opinion.
Firstly
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,
children
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 are always curious about everything. In early
school
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,
children
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 can get basic knowledge from teachers which can help them in future.
Moreover
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,
people
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 can learn how to socialize with each other in
school
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as a result
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 it can help improve communication
skills
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.
Additionally
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,
people
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 who get higher
education
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 earn many benefits
such
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 as social
skills
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, critical thinking
skills
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 ,
team work
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teamwork
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, etc.
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moreover
Capitalize word
Moreover
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theses
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these
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skills
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 are valuable in various
aspect
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aspects
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 of life and work.
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also
Add a comma
also,
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 individuals who get enough
of
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apply
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education
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 can sharpen many
skills
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 through formal
education
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.
moreover
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,
people
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 who get higher
education
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 will get better
oppurtunity
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opportunities
 in their jobs and
career
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careers
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,
due to
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 several companies
also
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 screening the employee's educational background before being recruited.
secondly
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,
people
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 who did not attend formal
school
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 lacked not only in
education
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 but
also
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 in the
skills
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 area.
for example
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,
children
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 do not know how to socialize and
comunicate
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communicate
 with others
as a result
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 they are unable to have many friends.
also
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,
people
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 who don't get higher
education
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 have an average intelligence which can affect
on
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apply
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their economic conditions
as a result
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 number of poverty increases.
to conclude
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, everyone is entitled to receive higher
education
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, which can be highly beneficial for their personal life and economy.

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coherence cohesion
Work on creating a more cohesive argument by linking ideas and paragraphs together with transition words and phrases.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices such as synonyms, pronouns, and conjunctions to improve the flow of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that the essay has a clear introduction and conclusion. State your opinion clearly in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion, alongside a summary of the main points discussed.
task achievement
Elaborate more on the main points with detailed, relevant examples and explanations to fully support your argument.
task achievement
Make sure that all aspects of the question are fully addressed. If the prompt presents multiple viewpoints, ensure that you discuss them and justify your opinion.
task achievement
Develop more clear and comprehensive ideas by expanding upon the claims made in the essay. Instead of presenting brief statements, delve deeper into each point.
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