IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer, and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantage of this development outweighs the disadvantages?

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In
this
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 modern epoch, the medical field has been improved compared to the past.
As a result
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,
civilians
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'
life
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expectancy
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 is increasing and live long
years
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. I think
this
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 tendency has more drawbacks than benefits;
this
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 essay discusses it briefly for the following reasons. There are several advantages of
civilians
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are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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living in long
years
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. One of the main benefits is that individuals have a chance to live
their
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with their
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 family members
in
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for
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 long periods and elder people have to look after their grand-grandchildren through the advanced medical system,
hence
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, they will not
mourning
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mourn
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 and
feeling
Wrong verb form
feel
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depression
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depressed
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.
For example
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, Australians have the advanced medicare amenities since childhood in order to people far away from the deadly diseases. Another benefit is that the country has more
man power
Correct your spelling
manpower
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 to build the nation strongly by
increase
Replace the word
increasing
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 productivity,
export
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exports
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 and volunteer
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
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. These are the advantages of
person's
Correct article usage
a person's
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life
Use synonyms
expectancy
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is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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increasing. Despite these merits, there are some disadvantages
of
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to
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this
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 tendency. One of the main drawbacks is
that
Correct determiner usage
the
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 increase
the
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in the
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 population ratio,
thus
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, humans will suffer to obtain the fundamental facilities
due to
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 increasing
the
Correct article usage
apply
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demand. Needless to say, poverty will be increasing
as well as
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 the standard of living will be decreased. Another possible disadvantage is that the ruling party have to build numerous
elder
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elderly
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 homes
along
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with
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apply
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retirement expenses need to be increased by expanding the
life
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 of
civilians
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.
For instance
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, the government will allocate more funds to protect the elders when their
life
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expectancy
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will be
Wrong verb form
is
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 extended,
consequently
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, others have to
be suffered
Wrong verb form
suffer
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 by not getting the basic facilities.
To conclude
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,
although
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 increasing the
man power
Correct your spelling
manpower
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 and spending more
years
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 with their family members are the benefits of people living
in
Change preposition
for
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 long
years
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, the authority should allocate more funds and the population will be increased are the drawbacks.
However
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, I think increasing the
civilians
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'
life
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expectancy
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 by the advanced medical facilities has more disadvantages than advantages.

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Coherence & Cohesion
To improve the logical structure of your essay, try to organize your ideas in a more coherent fashion. Create clear paragraphs with topic sentences that introduce the content of the paragraph, and ensure each sentence logically follows on from the last.
Coherence & Cohesion
Make sure your introduction and conclusion are clear and present the main topic and your viewpoint succinctly. Your essay should start with a more defined thesis statement and end with a conclusion that summarizes your main points effectively.
Task Achievement
Back up your main points with more detailed examples. Specific examples are key to illustrating your arguments and making them more compelling to the reader.
Task Achievement
Ensure that the response fully satisfied the task by providing a balanced discussion on the advantages and disadvantages as required by the prompt. Elaborate clearly why one side outweighs the other.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • life expectancy
  • dependency ratio
  • healthcare costs
  • working-age population
  • financial stability
  • medical research
  • age-related diseases
  • generational bonds
  • social services
  • pensions
  • elderly care
  • consumer market
  • ethical considerations
  • prolonged life
  • burden on healthcare systems
  • wisdom and experience
  • retirement periods
  • family bonds
  • industries targeting elderly
  • improved medical care
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