IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

9. Some people prefer to be self-employed, whereas others like working for companies or institutions. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages Which is a better approach.

#people #companies #institutions #approach
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Certain
people
Use synonyms
 like to work as
a
Change the article
an
show examples
employe
Correct your spelling
employee
show examples
 for the
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 or any private
company
Use synonyms
,
on the other
Linking Words
hand
Add the comma(s)
hand,
show examples
 there are some
people
Use synonyms
 who
preffer
Correct your spelling
prefer
 to establish their own
Use synonyms
business
Fix the agreement mistake
businesses
show examples
 they do not like to serve their knowledge or abilities to the third
persons
Change noun form
person's
show examples
business
Use synonyms
. In my opinion, running our own
business
Use synonyms
 or getting employed with any
company
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 and getting a
fix
Change the verb form
fixed
show examples
 salary on
monthly
Correct article usage
a monthly
show examples
 basis would prove beneficial but
also
Linking Words
 have some drawbacks.
Firstly
Linking Words
, if a
person
Use synonyms
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 established his own
business
Use synonyms
 in the
begining
Correct your spelling
beginning
 he can face some difficulties but if that
person
Use synonyms
keep
Change the verb form
keeps
show examples
 working and
dont
Correct your spelling
don't
 lose hope,
then
Linking Words
 with the passage of time the
business
Use synonyms
 in which he
was
Wrong verb form
is
show examples
 involved will prove profitable for him. In
this
Linking Words
way
Use synonyms
,
people
Use synonyms
 can give their best to their own
field
Use synonyms
 rather than getting employed and
surving
Correct your spelling
surviving
serving
 other
persons
Change noun form
people's
show examples
field
Use synonyms
. In 2020, a
suvey
Correct your spelling
survey
 conducted by
Correct article usage
the Goverment
show examples
Goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 of Pakistan
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 showed that nowadays more
Linking Words
then
Correct your spelling
than
show examples
 half percent of youth in Pakistan
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 focusing
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
on
Use synonyms
field
Add an article
the field
show examples
 in which they studied rather
Linking Words
then
Replace the word
than
show examples
 getting employed and obtaining
salary
Correct article usage
a salary
show examples
 on
Correct article usage
a mothly
show examples
mothly
Correct your spelling
monthly
 basis.
Secondaly
Correct your spelling
Secondly
, if a
person
Use synonyms
 is
intrested
Correct your spelling
interested
 in getting a permanent job in a
company
Use synonyms
, in
this
Linking Words
way
Use synonyms
 he can meet his monthly
expance
Correct your spelling
expanse
expenses
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the salary he
get
Change the verb form
gets
show examples
 after a month, it would prove good for him but he can not pay attention to his
field
Use synonyms
 in which he studied or graduated, he would spend his life for giving his best to another
persons
Change to a genitive case
person's
show examples
business
Use synonyms
 and in
this
Linking Words
Use synonyms
way
Add a comma
way,
show examples
 he can
also
Linking Words
 not achieve his own goal. In
conclussion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, if
people
Use synonyms
 keep working in a
company
Use synonyms
 and they are satisfied with the pay
tehn
Correct your spelling
then
 it is ok but if he is not satisfied
then
Linking Words
 that
person
Use synonyms
 should think about investing his abilities
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 his own
business
Use synonyms
 and as we know in our own
bussiness
Correct your spelling
business
their
Replace the word
there
show examples
 is no limit of profit. In my opinion,
people
Use synonyms
 should run a side
business
Use synonyms
with
Change preposition
while
show examples
 doing a job, in
this
Linking Words
Use synonyms
way
Add a comma
way,
show examples
 they can better manage things.
Submitted by jhonyxxx579 on

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coherence cohesion
Focus on organizing your ideas more logically and clearly. Your essay has some structure, but the ideas could be presented more coherently. Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that the supporting sentences are directly related to that main idea.
coherence cohesion
Work on your introduction and conclusion to ensure they are more impactful. The introduction should clearly state the advantages and disadvantages, while the conclusion should decisively state your opinion without introducing new information.
coherence cohesion
To improve the logical structure, make sure that the transition between paragraphs and ideas is smooth. Use linking words and phrases to guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
Ensure that you respond to all parts of the task. Both sides of the argument - self-employment and working for a company - should be discussed in equal measure with clear advantages and disadvantages for each.
task achievement
Clarify and develop your ideas more comprehensively. Each paragraph should contain a clear position with explanations that are fully developed, rather than just stating facts or opinions.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to illustrate your points. Referencing the survey from Pakistan was a good start, but more detailed examples would make your argument stronger and more persuasive.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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