Nowadays many workers are suffering from joint pains (such as neck pain), which they ascribe to sedentary office jobs
In
this
current day, many joint pains attack employees
such
as neck pain, since they have sedentary
Add an article
a sedentary
lifestyle
in their office
almost everyday
. From my perspective, I agree with that statement as many people work day by day in Replace the word
every day
a
Change the article
an
office
which has similar activities and lack of exercise.
In the beginning, sedentary office
jobs are
common in each country, including developed or poorer Wrong verb form
were
country
. Fix the agreement mistake
countries
Firstly
, this
happening is because the number of enterprises that cannot provide sport
rooms has increased over the Change the noun form
sports
last
period. Secondly
, there are plenty of companies which are maintain
profits and revenue and Wrong verb form
maintaining
not
take care Add a missing verb
do not
to
their Change preposition
of
employees
. As a result
, as a demanding
to earn money, workers have to follow the company’s Replace the word
demand
regulation
Fix the agreement mistake
regulations
while
it has a strict lifestyle
; meanwhile, they will lose their incomes which are crucial to promote their lives.
Furthermore
, since workers have duties in a company that has sedentary
Add an article
a sedentary
lifestyle
, they would lack of
Remove the preposition
apply
exercises
because of the limited Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
time
. Many employees
will squander the majority of their time
to work and sit in front of computer’s
screen without Correct article usage
a computer’s
realize
that Wrong verb form
realising
time
flies. As a consequence
of this
habit, join
paints Correct your spelling
joint
become
a detrimental effect Verb problem
have
for
them like neck pain which led suffering Change preposition
on
feeling
Replace the word
feelings
to
workers. Data Change preposition
for
analyser
, Fix the agreement mistake
analysers
for instance
, almost in each company, they
have to sit down in their room to analyze the firm’s data over the weekdays. Correct pronoun usage
apply
In addition
, their neck and sceletons have to suffer, if the habit is repeat
all the Change the verb form
is repeated
is repeating
time
.
In conclusion, employees
will suffer from joint pants because of sedentary
Add an article
a sedentary
lifestyle
in their office
which there is no time
and space to exercise.Submitted by misstiasclassroom on
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task achievement
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that this idea is developed with specific examples and explanations. Avoid vague statements.
coherence and cohesion
Work on linking ideas more clearly and coherently throughout the essay. This could involve using a wider variety of linking words and ensuring paragraphs flow smoothly into each other.
coherence and cohesion
While the introduction and conclusion are present, work on developing a clearer thesis statement that outlines the main points to be discussed.
task achievement
To improve task achievement, make sure to fully address the prompt. This might involve expanding upon how joint pains impact workers' lives or discussing potential solutions more in depth.
task achievement
Incorporate more relevant and specific examples to support your main points. This could be in the form of statistics, studies, or real-world cases that underscore the severity of the issue.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?