IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

It is expected that there will be a higher proportion of older people than young people in many countries in the future. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

#proportion #people #countries #future #development
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The world is experiencing a hike in
humans
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human
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 population over the many years.
This
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 trend might be experienced an imbalanced proportion of grey-aged where old
people
Use synonyms
 would surpass the young
people
Use synonyms
. In my opinion,
this
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 scenario is a negative development for
overall
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 society.
To begin
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 with, having
higher
Add an article
a higher
show examples
 number of old aged would lead
lacking
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to a lack
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 of
advanced
Correct article usage
an advanced
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 and
tech- savvy
Correct your spelling
tech-savvy
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 workforce. Undoubtedly , young's are not only
physical
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physically
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 fit for all kinds of jobs but
also
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 they are more sophisticated
to
Rephrase
enough to
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 learn new
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
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 and technology. In
this
Linking Words
 stiff competition, having advanced and fit employees or
Fix the agreement mistake
employers
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employer
Fix the agreement mistake
employers
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have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 become
Correct article usage
a demand
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demand
Correct article usage
a demand
show examples
 for
Replace the word
development
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developing
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development
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.
However
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 old aged would be unable to
performs
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perform
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 various
job related
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job-related
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 tasks. Whether they would take
long
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a long
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 time to do
job
Correct pronoun usage
their job
show examples
 or they would need assistance frequently.Unfortunately,
the
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apply
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both ways would
leads
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lead
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higher
Change preposition
to higher
show examples
 workforce costs.
Therefore
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 ,
nation
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nations
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 either have to pay more for
workforce
Add an article
the workforce
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 or would have insufficient labour which takes longer time to perform duties.
Moreover
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,older
people
Use synonyms
 are considered an asset
of
Change preposition
to
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 a nation .
Government
Add an article
The government
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 have obligations to
lunch
Correct your spelling
launch
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 various schemes for
welfare
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the welfare
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 of their gray-aged.It is common that aged
people
Use synonyms
 need medical facilities more often than others.
Therefore
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 , there would be a huge fund required to facilitate
gray
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grey
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 society.
Consequently
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,
other imperative sector
Change the wording
another imperative sector
other imperative sectors
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such
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 as education, employment, research and development sectors could be ignored
due to
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 lack of sufficient funds.
Apart from
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this
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, authorities would
also
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be needed
Wrong verb form
need
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 to expand their pension plan as per population.
In
Change preposition
At
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 present, Japan has spent 40
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
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 of their fund on medical and pension
plan
Fix the agreement mistake
plans
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 for
old
Correct article usage
the old
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aged
Change the form of the verb
age
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.
To conclude
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,
although
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,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
gray society
bring
Correct subject-verb agreement
brings
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 an experience for upcoming generations, massive inequality in number of population of
this
Linking Words
aged
Replace the word
age
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 group
put
Verb problem
has
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 a negative impact on
development
Correct article usage
the development
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 and growth of a particular nation.
Submitted by parminderbitti3 on

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task achievement
Develop a clearer introduction with a more explicit thesis statement. Clarify whether you believe the dominance of older people is positive or negative earlier in the essay.
coherence cohesion
More clearly structured paragraphs with topic sentences that introduce the main idea at the beginning can enhance coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
Support your main points with more specific, relevant examples and data where possible to create a more compelling argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on sentence structure, grammar, and punctuation to improve the readability of the essay.
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