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Band 5

It is expected that there will be a higher proportion of older people than young people in many countries in the future. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

#proportion #people #countries #future #development
The world is experiencing a hike in
humans
Change the noun form
human
show examples
 population over the many years.
This
 trend might be experienced an imbalanced proportion of grey-aged where old
people
 would surpass the young
people
. In my opinion,
this
 scenario is a negative development for
overall
 society.
To begin
 with, having
higher
Add an article
a higher
show examples
 number of old aged would lead
lacking
Change the verb form
to a lack
show examples
 of
advanced
Correct article usage
an advanced
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 and
tech- savvy
Correct your spelling
tech-savvy
show examples
 workforce. Undoubtedly , young's are not only
physical
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physically
show examples
 fit for all kinds of jobs but
also
 they are more sophisticated
to
Rephrase
enough to
show examples
 learn new
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 and technology. In
this
 stiff competition, having advanced and fit employees or
Fix the agreement mistake
employers
show examples
employer
Fix the agreement mistake
employers
show examples
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 become
Correct article usage
a demand
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demand
Correct article usage
a demand
show examples
 for
Replace the word
development
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developing
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development
show examples
.
However
 old aged would be unable to
performs
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perform
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 various
job related
Add a hyphen
job-related
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 tasks. Whether they would take
long
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a long
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 time to do
job
Correct pronoun usage
their job
show examples
 or they would need assistance frequently.Unfortunately,
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
both ways would
leads
Change the verb form
lead
show examples
higher
Change preposition
to higher
show examples
 workforce costs.
Therefore
 ,
nation
Fix the agreement mistake
nations
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 either have to pay more for
workforce
Add an article
the workforce
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 or would have insufficient labour which takes longer time to perform duties.
Moreover
,older
people
 are considered an asset
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 a nation .
Government
Add an article
The government
show examples
 have obligations to
lunch
Correct your spelling
launch
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 various schemes for
welfare
Add an article
the welfare
show examples
 of their gray-aged.It is common that aged
people
 need medical facilities more often than others.
Therefore
 , there would be a huge fund required to facilitate
gray
Change the spelling
grey
show examples
 society.
Consequently
,
other imperative sector
Change the wording
another imperative sector
other imperative sectors
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such
 as education, employment, research and development sectors could be ignored
due to
 lack of sufficient funds.
Apart from
this
, authorities would
also
be needed
Wrong verb form
need
show examples
 to expand their pension plan as per population.
In
Change preposition
At
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 present, Japan has spent 40
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
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 of their fund on medical and pension
plan
Fix the agreement mistake
plans
show examples
 for
old
Correct article usage
the old
show examples
aged
Change the form of the verb
age
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.
To conclude
,
although
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
gray society
bring
Correct subject-verb agreement
brings
show examples
 an experience for upcoming generations, massive inequality in number of population of
this
aged
Replace the word
age
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 group
put
Verb problem
has
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 a negative impact on
development
Correct article usage
the development
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 and growth of a particular nation.
Submitted by parminderbitti3 on

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task achievement
Develop a clearer introduction with a more explicit thesis statement. Clarify whether you believe the dominance of older people is positive or negative earlier in the essay.
coherence cohesion
More clearly structured paragraphs with topic sentences that introduce the main idea at the beginning can enhance coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
Support your main points with more specific, relevant examples and data where possible to create a more compelling argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on sentence structure, grammar, and punctuation to improve the readability of the essay.
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