IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.
#bar #percentage #australian #men #women #age #groups #activity
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The representation below illustrates the statistics of Australian people who did physical
activity
Use synonyms
 constantly through six
peer-groups
Correct your spelling
peer groups
show examples
 between
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 and
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 in 2010. A first glance at the diagram, reveals that all in all both genders physical
activity
Use synonyms
 has fluctuated by each
age
Use synonyms
 group.
Although
Linking Words
 the highest figure has been recorded for 45-54-year-old
women’s
Change noun form
women
show examples
, the lowest number is associated with 35-44-year-old males so far.
firstly
Linking Words
 as
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can be seen female table
saw
Verb problem
apply
show examples
fluctuated amount
while
Linking Words
 the highest is accounted for 35 to 44 , the lowest is for 65 and over
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
show examples
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
52.5 and 47.8 respectively.
In addition
Linking Words
, the highest percentage is followed by whom are attend to physical
activity
Use synonyms
 constantly in
55
Correct article usage
the 55
show examples
-64
age
Use synonyms
 group. It is
cleared
Replace the word
clear
show examples
 that by increasing in
Use synonyms
age
Add an article
the age
show examples
 group the number of women who prefer to do so
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
grew until 65 and over, that it witnessed a fall
by
Change preposition
of
show examples
 around 6%
secondly
Linking Words
, as
it
Add a verb
it is
it was
show examples
 obvious the percentage of
Add an article
a man
the man
show examples
man
Fix the agreement mistake
men
show examples
whom
Change the pronoun
who
show examples
 had physical
activity
Use synonyms
 is declined by going older.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the lowest number was
associat
Correct your spelling
associated
associate
 with 35-44
while
Linking Words
 the highest record was for
Correct article usage
the 15
show examples
15
Correct article usage
the 15
show examples
-24
age
Use synonyms
 groups
Change preposition
apply
show examples
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
39.5 and 52.8 respectively.
Submitted by amirisoodabeh24 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words activity, age with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "fluctuated" was used 2 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Regular exercise
  • Age demographics
  • Participation rate
  • Trend analysis
  • Gender disparity
  • Health initiatives
  • Public health policies
  • Statistical comparison
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Work commitments
  • Age-related factors
  • Preventative health
  • Exercise habits
  • Surveillance data
  • Motivators and barriers
What to do next:
Look at other essays: