IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

In many countries, children are overweight and un healthy.Some people think the government should be held accountable.To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#countries #children #people #government
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Overweight
Add a missing verb
Being overweight
show examples
 is
definitly
Correct your spelling
definitely
 unhealthy and bad for many reasons. The government does have protocols in
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 and
college
Fix the agreement mistake
colleges
show examples
 for kids and teenagers to not become overweight and be healthy. And it does have stuff like
tv
Correct your spelling
TV
show examples
 shows and facilities for them to do what's right for their own health. So they
should'nt
Correct your spelling
shouldn't
 be accountable for children being overweight. So there are classes in school like football, basketball, wrestling,
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
etc. If anyone
does'nt
Correct your spelling
doesn't
 like one of them can choose another, there are many sports that they can be a part of, and all of these are funded by the government. If we look at pictures of eighty's, we can see clearly that people were much more fit and healthy. Because people did
care
Use synonyms
 about sports and staying fit all the time in any ages unlike
nowdays
Correct the word
nowadays
show examples
.
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
Also,
show examples
 the government have provided kids and even adults
a
Change preposition
with a
show examples
lot of facilities and futures to stay active. Like there are
tv
Correct your spelling
TV
show examples
 shows that can be
helpfull
Correct your spelling
helpful
 for guidance.
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
Also,
show examples
 they have issued some companies to
shcedule
Correct your spelling
schedule
 and provide
employes
Correct your spelling
employees
show examples
 with
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 facilities and back them up to do so.
On the other
Linking Words
hand
Add a comma
hand,
show examples
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
blieve
Correct your spelling
believe
 that it's our duty to
care
Use synonyms
 about our own
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
 and health. Stay active every day even when working behind a desk, you can always take a minute and
strech
Correct your spelling
stretch
 up your body. And for
kids
Add a comma
kids,
show examples
 their parents should be held responsible
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because it's their responsibility to
care
Use synonyms
 about their
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 health. like in India most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people start dancing
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 very young ages and it's not only cultural it's simply because they
care
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by afrough on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, begin your essay with a clear introduction that presents the topic and your thesis statement. Make sure each paragraph has a central idea that is clearly defined and supported by appropriate examples or explanations. Connect your ideas with cohesive devices like linking words (however, therefore, furthermore) and maintain topic consistency throughout.
task achievement
For better task achievement, make sure you fully address the prompt by discussing the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement provided. Offer a balanced view with arguments for both sides if necessary, or strongly focus on one side while considering the other views briefly. Include a conclusion that summarizes your main points and restates your opinion clearly.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: