IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that advertisement targeting children may have negative effects on them, and suggest banning such advertisement as a solution. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

#people #advertisement #children #effects
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I do believe that targeting
children
Use synonyms
 for
advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
show examples
 may have negative effects on them and banning
such
Linking Words
advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
show examples
 might be a solution. But I
also
Linking Words
 believe that there are more solutions to address
this
Linking Words
 concern.
Moreover
Linking Words
, there is
also
Linking Words
 a good side
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 using
children
Use synonyms
 as the target audience in
advertisements
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.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
children
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 may
get
Verb problem
be
show examples
 affected negatively
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
advertisements
Use synonyms
 that don'
t
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 suit their
age
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 or lifestyle. Some
advertisements
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 for
children
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 may contain
such
Linking Words
 things
like
Change preposition
as
show examples
 toys, food, and even
advertisements
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 about poverty because most
children
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 experience it.
While
Linking Words
 some
advertisements
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 aren'
t
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 that bad, if it doesn'
t
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 suit their
age
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 and lifestyle, it will have a negative effect on them.
In contrast
Linking Words
, using
children
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 as
audience
Add an article
the audience
an audience
show examples
aren'
Change the verb form
isn't
show examples
t
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 really that bad because some young people who are gifted with knowledge understand these programs and use
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 as an example or a stepping stone for their growth.
Children
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 are still exploring at a young
age
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 because everything
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 mostly new to them.
Lastly
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, as
this
Linking Words
 concern may affect them positively or negatively, it is still the grown-ups' job to look after their
children
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. I
also
Linking Words
 think that
advertisements
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 for
children
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 aren'
t
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 published without the proper checking of the authorities.
In addition
Linking Words
 to that,
children
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 don'
t
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 know much yet and they're still learning about life. In conclusion, targeting
children
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 for
advertisements
Use synonyms
 may have a negative effect on them and banning
such
Linking Words
advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
show examples
 might be a solution. Some
advertisements
Use synonyms
 that do not suit their
age
Use synonyms
 and lifestyle may be harmful to them.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some
advertisements
Use synonyms
 make a good example for young people to learn from. And that they should still be monitored because they're still learning about life as they grow.
Submitted by alma_milly on

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task achievement
Make sure your introduction includes a clear thesis statement that outlines your argument. This sets the stage for your essay and informs the reader about your stance on the topic.
task achievement
Develop your main points with specific examples and evidence. Avoid general statements and provide concrete examples to support your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph contains one clear main idea, and use cohesive devices like linking words to connect your ideas both within and between paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Work on creating a clearer, more logical structure by organizing your essay into introduction, body paragraphs with separate ideas, and a concluding paragraph that summarizes your viewpoint.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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