IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

3. The availability of entertainment such as video games on handheld devices are harmful to individual and to the socity they live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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There is no denying the fact that the main impact of handheld
devices
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 is debatable.
While
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,
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apply
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 there is a commonly held belief that the various types of
devices
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 which are present nowadays provide entertaining
games
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 or applications are considered harmful to the person in specific and to the society in general, there is
also
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 an argument that
oppose
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opposes
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this
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 idea. In my opinion, I think that
such
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 video
games
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 have benefits and withdrawals, and the resulting impact depends on which extent these
devices
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 are taking part of our lives.
In other words
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, it depends on how
individual
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individuals
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 uses them. To start with, the major effect of these
devices
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are
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is
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 on children as they spend a lot of their
time
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 playing.
Furthermore
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, these kids will tend to stay at home rather
to
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than
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 go outside to play, which will result in reducing their physical activity and later on affecting their health.
For example
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, recent researches show a great link between increased screen
time
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 and having autism.
Therefore
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, the effect is not confined
on
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to
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individual
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the individual
an individual
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, but it
also
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 reaches the whole society as health problems are increased.
On the other hand
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, allowing kids to have a reasonable
time
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 on handheld
devices
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 can improve their focusing ability and elevate their attention. Because some
games
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 rely on
puzzles
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puzzle
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 solving, their skill in solving problems will increase.
However
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, parents should collect the right
games
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 for their children.
For instance
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,
games
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 with no purpose or goal should not be collected as they only waste their
time
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 without benefit. In conclusion, despite people having various views regarding
this
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 topic, I believe that individuals need to entertain themselves from
time
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 to
time
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, and these
devices
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 provide a convenient way to do so. But as I mentioned before, it depends on whether users misuse them or take advantage of them.

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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure consistent control of sentence structure to enhance clarity and coherence throughout the essay.
Task Response
Fully develop ideas with more examples or further explanations to strengthen your argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
Maintain balanced argumentation by providing equal emphasis on both sides of the discussion.
Introduction
The introduction sets up a balanced discussion by acknowledging both sides of the argument.
Conclusion
The conclusion effectively reiterates the main viewpoint and provides a summary.
Task Response
The essay addresses the prompt directly, providing a clear stance on the extent of agreement or disagreement.
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