IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think money is one of the most essential factors in promoting hapinness. Do you think people can be happy without much money? What other factors contribute towards happiness?

#people #money #factors #hapinness #happiness
In today's world,
Add an article
the fund
show examples
fund
Fix the agreement mistake
funds
show examples
took
Wrong verb form
take
show examples
primary
Add an article
a primary
show examples
 role in human life. Plenty of population argue that
money
 is the most important thing to bring
happiness
, but others contend there are a lot of
source
Fix the agreement mistake
sources
show examples
 of bliss out there. Personally, I think that
money
 is not
mandatory
Add an article
a mandatory
show examples
 requirement for
happiness
 and there is a large number of
beautitude
Correct your spelling
beatitude
 which we can get freely. I acknowledged that cash can be a tool or catalyst for our
happiness
. We can get
happiness
 with
money
, either buying our
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
show examples
 stuff or replacing our responsibility. Blessedness appears when we
bough
Correct your spelling
bought
show examples
 things we like and make a gift for someone we love. With
fund
Fix the agreement mistake
funds
show examples
 in our pockets, we can delegate other
people
 to replace our responsibility.
Money
also
 has the power to
accelerated
Change the form of the verb
accelerate
show examples
 our business
for instance
 we can cut the
queque
Correct your spelling
queue
cheque
 through the VIP line and pay the toll street.
However
, a large number of stuff can not be paid for with
money
,
such
 as health,
peacefullness
Correct your spelling
peacefulness
, loneliness etc. As we
could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
 see in the news, many rich
people
 do suicide even though they have a lot of
money
 in their bank account.
Moreover
, plenty of individuals want to give all their
money
 for health and most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
 get it freely.
On the other hand
, I saw many poor
people
 still happy in their bad situation.
Base
Wrong verb form
Based
show examples
 on
this
 condition, I can conclude that
money
 can provide or accelerate our
happiness
 but it is not the only way of
happiness
. There were other sources of
happiness
such
 as health, family, and friends.
However
, the primary source of
happieness
Correct your spelling
happiness
 was the grateful feeling of whatever our condition currently
.
Add a missing verb
is.
show examples
Submitted by epindonta02 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence & Cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, focus on creating clearer transitions and connections between ideas. Use a variety of linking words and phrases to connect sentences and paragraphs seamlessly.
Coherence & Cohesion
Develop paragraphs fully to elaborate on main points, providing more specific examples and explanations to strengthen arguments.
Coherence & Cohesion
Make sure your introduction and conclusion are clear and mirror each other in terms of the points made, reinforcing the response to the task throughout the essay.
Task Achievement
To enhance task response, ensure that you answer all parts of the question throughout the essay rather than concentrating your response predominantly in the conclusion. Be explicit in your arguments, relating closely to the prompt.
Task Achievement
Use a range of vocabulary and aim for accuracy in grammar and spelling to convey clear and comprehensive ideas effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: