IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that the country would benefit a lot from a large number of young people who enter into university; however, others think that the large number of people receiving the education of university only leads to graduate unemployment. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Many Individuals think that the country would benefit from a large
number
Use synonyms
 of young
people
Use synonyms
 who enter
university
Use synonyms
. Others assume the large
number
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 studying at
university
Use synonyms
 will cause unemployment graduate. I strongly believe that a huge quantity of young
people
Use synonyms
 who decide to continue their tertiary
education
Use synonyms
 at
university
Use synonyms
 will have positive and negative impacts. I personally think that a
university
Use synonyms
education
Use synonyms
 is still crucial for young
people
Use synonyms
 but it must have a guarantee to be accompanied by additional skills. On one hand, increasing
University
Use synonyms
 enrollment provides a positive side
such
Linking Words
 as a skilled workforce. A higher
number
Use synonyms
graduates
Change preposition
of graduates
show examples
 contribute to the
number
Use synonyms
 of human resources which are more skilled and educated. They
also
Linking Words
 bring specialized knowledge
that is
Linking Words
 potentially important in order to create innovation and enhance productivity.
In addition
Linking Words
,
university
Use synonyms
education
Use synonyms
 can enhance economic growth. Because more educated
people
Use synonyms
 earn
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 salary, influences consumer spending and economic activity.
Moreover
Linking Words
, many of them decide to start businesses and create job opportunities.
University
Use synonyms
education
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 can be a great tool for developing social mobility.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the large
number
Use synonyms
 of young
people
Use synonyms
 entering
into
Change preposition
apply
show examples
university
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 leads to negative impacts
such
Linking Words
 as graduate unemployment. It resulted from mismatches
among
Change preposition
between
show examples
 the skills required in the workplace with the knowledge that we receive from the
university
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 case
also
Linking Words
 causes financial strain. Enrolling on
university
Use synonyms
 requires several fees
for example
Linking Words
 tuition fees, living expenses and other students' daily needs. In conclusion, enrolling on tertiary
education
Use synonyms
 at the
university
Use synonyms
 has benefits and drawbacks side.
However
Linking Words
, a
university
Use synonyms
education
Use synonyms
 is still essential for young
people
Use synonyms
 in order to arrange their career path, but they must be equipped with skills and competencies that
potentially
Add a missing verb
are potentially
show examples
 required in the job market.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

logical structure
Make sure your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. The introduction should set the context for the discussion and outline the main points you will address. Each body paragraph should focus on a single main point. The conclusion should summarize your main points and restate your opinion.
logical structure
Transition words and phrases should be used to show the relationship between your ideas and to guide the reader through your argument. This includes not only signaling when you are contrasting viewpoints but also when you are providing additional information or examples.
supported main points
To strengthen your argument, provide clear and detailed examples that support your main points. Avoid general statements, and instead offer specific evidence or illustrations to back up your points. This adds credibility to your writing and makes your essay more persuasive.
complete response
Address the essay prompt fully by ensuring you discuss both views provided as well as clearly stating your own opinion. Make sure that your response is complete and that the essay provides a clear line of reasoning from the introduction through to the conclusion.
clear comprehensive ideas
Ensure that your ideas are comprehensive, clear, and developed throughout the essay. Each body paragraph should include a central idea followed by explanations or arguments that elaborate on that point. Avoid superficial or undeveloped statements.
relevant specific examples
Use relevant examples to support your points. The examples should be specific, detailed, and directly connected to the points being made. Examples can come from your own experiences, observations, or from credible sources.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • innovation
  • economic growth
  • research and development
  • competitive
  • global stage
  • quality of life
  • critical thinking skills
  • worldview
  • oversupply
  • job market mismatch
  • graduate unemployment
  • underemployment
  • vocational training
  • technical skills
  • skilled trades
  • functional workforce
  • balanced approach
  • aligning education
  • market needs
  • diverse educational pathways
  • lifelong learning
What to do next:
Look at other essays: