IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#pressure #people #subjects #education #cookery #school #syllabus #children #work
Non-academic
subjects
 are considered compulsory in most schools in Indonesia,
therefore
 there are mixed feelings regarding it. I believe that these
subjects
 should not be removed from the school syllabus for several reasons.
First,
non-academic
subjects
 increase students' soft
skills
.
For example
, learning how to work in a team and improving coordination through physical education and sports. It is without a doubt that soft
skills
 are as important as hard
skills
.
Second,
these
subjects
 help to reduce stress and improve mental health quality. If
for instance
 non-academic
subjects
 are removed, students will be too stressed with homework and exams, ultimately having no time for exercise and doing any hobby of theirs. In conclusion, from my personal experience, I believe that there are more benefits in non-academic
subjects
 than drawbacks.
Therefore
, schools should not remove these
subjects
 for the sake of improving the mental health and soft
skills
 of the students.
Submitted by tiana29.alisjahbana on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Provide a brief summary of your argument directly answering the question in the introduction to improve task response.
task achievement
Expand your arguments with more distinct, detailed examples for each point to enhance the clarity and relevance of your ideas.
coherence cohesion
To improve the logical structure, ensure your essay has a clear introductory statement, followed by body paragraphs each dedicated to one main idea, and a concise conclusion that reiterates your stance.
coherence cohesion
Utilize a variety of cohesive devices and topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to enhance the flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with specific examples or data where possible, to add weight to your arguments and improve coherence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
What to do next:
Look at other essays: