IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some experts think that all students should learn musical instruments. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

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The importance of learning musical instruments for the students which was always debatable has now become more controversial with many people claiming that it is beneficial
while
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 others reject
this
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 notion.The substantial influence of
this
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 trend has sparked controversy over its potential impact in recent years.In my opinion, the latter proposition appears to be more rational.
This
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 essay will
further
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 elaborate my views for favouring the negative impact of
this
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 trend and
thus
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 will lead to a logical conclusion. Analysing the statement and explaining
further
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, the first and foremost reason behind
this
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 is that it is a waste of time to adopt
music
Use synonyms
 since there are many trendy skills
such
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 as information technology, and computer science which provide employment to individuals who are facing financial issues.
Also
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, big firms give high wages to their employees who have deep knowledge about the skills of Information technologies.
For example
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, most masses engage in musical activities, but is not give any benefits to them regarding finance and people waste their invaluable time on
music
Use synonyms
. Probing ahead, one
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
 main underlying
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
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 stems from the fact
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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that they are judged by the members of society.
To begin
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 with , musicians have been criticised by their parents and members of the public because their families pressured them not to learn musical instruments since they thought it was not the right career for their children.
Moreover
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 , some individuals mock them
while
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 they learning the
music
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.
As a result
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 , learners get stressed because of all these actions.
For example
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, if any student learning musical types of equipment
such
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 as a guitar ,
then
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 their families think that they are not focusing on their future and they scold their offspring, leading to their deteriorating conditions. In conclusion , there are several drawbacks in order to become a musician since it's wasting time and families
also
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 pressure teenagers who acquire
music
Use synonyms
 skills.

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Task Achievement
Your essay addresses the question, but the extent of agreement or disagreement is not fully clear, which makes it difficult to assess if the response is complete. Make sure to state your position explicitly and develop your argument accordingly throughout the essay.
Task Achievement
Provide a more nuanced argument by exploring both sides of the issue even if you favor one side, as this can help to fully meet the task requirements and show a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Task Achievement
Ensure that your main points are clear and well-supported with relevant examples or explanations. The usage of an example referring to the financial benefits could be further explained to show its relevance to the argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
The logical flow of your essay can be improved. Use a range of cohesive devices and paragraphing effectively to organize ideas and arguments clearly. Avoid introducing new ideas in the conclusion that were not discussed in the main body.
Coherence and Cohesion
Review the use of cohesive devices and make sure they are used accurately and enhance the clarity of your argument. Some areas in the essay seem to lack clear connections between ideas.
Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure that each paragraph has a clear main idea or topic sentence and that the following sentences expand on that idea in a coherent way. Some paragraphs may benefit from reorganization to better align with their stated main idea.
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