IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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Over the past two decades,
lots
Use synonyms
 of
people
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 have developed an
intrest
Correct your spelling
interest
 in
technology
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. Young
people
Use synonyms
 specially adapted to its growth faster and
lots
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 of them
use
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 different electronic devices per day. But why is
this
Linking Words
 so and what are the effects of it? In
this
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 essay,
i
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I
show examples
 will explain some reasons and try to make
conclusion
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a conclusion
the conclusion
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. Nowadays,
lots
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 of
people
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 do their
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 or
homeworks
Correct your spelling
homework
 by using laptops or smartphones. Take
studants
Correct your spelling
students
 as an example. They tend to
use
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 these devices
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due to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 educational purposes
such
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 as
making
Verb problem
doing
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a
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apply
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research, attending online courses and so on.
In addition
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, they may have other aims too, like playing games or chatting with their friends. It seems that
youngesters
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youngsters
 feel more comfortable
to
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using
show examples
use
Use synonyms
technology
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 for their different type of
works
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work
show examples
 than elders,
due to
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 their explorer spirit, they are always welcome to new changes. There are
lots
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 of advantages
in
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to
show examples
 becoming used to using
technology
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. Clearly, it made it easier to be connected to other
people
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 worldwide. Even some
people
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use
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 to see their relatives or friends who
lives
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live
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 in another country. In many cases,
this
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 development helps developing countries' residents to have access to
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 wide range of
up to date
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up-to-date
show examples
 information.
As a
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result
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result,
show examples
 they can
further
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 their knowledge faster or even take place in online seminars.
On the other hand
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, overusing may have some negative effects on mental and physical health. The screen light may weaken the
eye-sight
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eyesight
show examples
 in
long
Correct article usage
the long
show examples
 term. In terms of mental health, some might become antisocial, because of keeping in touch with others via social media. Even so many might become addicted to using them too.
To sum up
Linking Words
, as we live in the
technology
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 era, we can not avoid using smartphones,
lap tops
Correct your spelling
laptops
show examples
, and so on. They are pretty useful but may have some negative impacts too.
Nonetheless
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,
i
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I
show examples
 believe by teaching our children the right way of using them, the pros of using
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 outweigh
it's
Correct your spelling
their
show examples
 cons.

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task achievement
To improve task achievement, consider incorporating more specific examples that directly address the question. For instance, instead of mentioning 'educational purposes,' provide an example such as 'using educational apps for learning languages.' This will make your points more grounded and relatable.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, work on refining the logical flow of ideas. You can achieve this by ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence followed by supporting statements that logically progress to the next paragraph.
general
Be vigilant about small inaccuracies and typos, such as 'studants' instead of 'students' and 'youngesters' instead of 'youngsters'. Also, 'lap tops' should be 'laptops' and 'it's' should be 'its'. Although they do not majorly affect your score, correcting them can improve readability and professionalism.
introduction conclusion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which provides a strong framework for discussing the topic.
task achievement
You've acknowledged both positive and negative aspects of children using smartphones, offering a balanced view. This demonstrates critical thinking and a nuanced understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your use of transitional phrases, such as 'on the other hand' and 'to sum up,' aids in the overall flow of the essay, making it easier for the reader to follow your arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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