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Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

Some people think high school graduate she travel or work for a period of time. Instead of going directly to study at university, discuss the advantages and disadvantages of both approaches. Give reason of your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge experience.

#people #school #graduate #travel #work #period #time #study #university #approaches #reason
Most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people think that students should take a break after the completion of their high school to travel or work and
then
 start their
teritary
Correct your spelling
tertiary
 education.
This
 essay will discuss both
benefits
Correct article usage
the benefits
show examples
 and drawbacks of
this
 debate.
To begin
 with, stopping
study
Wrong verb form
studying
show examples
 for some interval of time can allow a citizen to do things which can help them to gain some interesting experiences which they cannot do
while
 studying.
Moreover
,
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
travelling and exploring things can
also
 reduce mental pressure.
In addition
, working helps to save some money for future education.
For instance
, in India, 60% of the volunteers work after their high school to get admission
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 one of the top universities in India.
On the other hand
, there are some drawbacks of
this
phenomena
Fix the agreement mistake
phenomenon
show examples
Firstly
,
pause
Correct article usage
a pause
show examples
 in study for a
while
, can change
peoples
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 interest mindset towards it. They may lose interest in
studies
Correct pronoun usage
their studies
show examples
Furthermore
, they may get more attracted towards
small
Correct article usage
the small
show examples
 amount of money they earn.
According to
 the survey by volunteers in Sydney, shows that 70% of the people who pause their study, for some interval of time lose their interest in learning.
As a result
, the gap between high school and tertiary education could be highly beneficial for an individual if used in a good way.
Otherwise
, it can lead to unpredictable consequences.
Submitted by khushmankaur2911 on

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, make sure that your essay is logically organized. Link ideas and paragraphs with a range of discourse markers. Additionally, work on your sentence structures and punctuation for better clarity.
task achievement
To enhance task achievement, expand on your ideas with more detailed explanations and relevant, specific examples. Make sure each point supports the argument and contributes to addressing the prompt fully.
task achievement
For the examples provided, ensure relevance and clarity. Instead of mentioning vague statistics ('60% of volunteers'; '70% of people'), give concrete situations or studies that support your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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