Teenagers are now facing educational, social, and commercial pressures. What are the causes of these pressures? Is it ever beneficial for teenagers to develop under such pressure?
People
have different views about whether extreme sports
should be prohibited. In my opinion, people
should be free to choose the activities they prefer as long as they are aware of the risks associated.
Indeed, there are a couple of reasons why some people
assert that risky sports
should be banned. One primary reason is concerned with safety
issues, not only for individuals,
but Remove the comma
apply
also
for the public. In other words
, when people
are engaged in performing dangerous sports
, there is a high likelihood of getting an injury since they are usually performed in remote areas far from the reach of medical care. Getting pleasure and adrenaline rush at the cost of their life, they might not only be involved in the accidents,
but Remove the comma
apply
also
indirectly encourage others who are less experienced to try, which might result in threat
to public Add an article
a threat
safety
. A good case point can be a
bungee jumping which seems attractive, yet when tried without the presence of supervisors, it is highly likely to be injured or die considering the elements of risk.
Others, Correct article usage
apply
however
, argue against this
idea, stating the
personal freedom in decision making. In fact, undertaking extreme Correct determiner usage
that
sports
can be a form of entertainment as they are mostly performed outdoors, and when completing a difficult task, people
get feelings which other less extreme sports
may not give such
as dopamine. Thus
, putting a ban on these activities limits the
personal freedom in Correct article usage
apply
decision making
, causing a debate among Add a hyphen
decision-making
people
. Furthermore
, extreme sports
, according to
some, can contribute to personal growth, meaning that people
can achieve a mastery of particular skill as long as they are experienced. For instance
, notable marshal
art fighters Correct your spelling
martial
such
as Khabib trains his
body in Correct pronoun usage
their
an
extremely cold water to master Remove the article
apply
his
craft. By doing so, he can take his skills to Correct pronoun usage
their
next
level, developing his techniques.
In my opinion, banning extreme Correct article usage
the next
sports
is both unnecessary and impractical. As technologies developed
, a variety of Wrong verb form
develop
safety
tools and measures are available if one wants to partake in extreme activities, which alleviates the risks. In addition
, a person who undertakes a dangerous activity cannot perform without the first training and under the
supervision, which Correct article usage
apply
also
helps reduce the
accidents. Correct article usage
apply
Moreover
, banning these sports
is impractical since they are mostly performed in high mountains or in the ocean, far from the reach of the police or regulatory authorities. It is hard to imagine the police is stopping the person who parachuting on the edge of the mountain,
or surfing under the high waves.
In conclusion, Remove the comma
apply
although
some people
approve of banning extreme sports
for safety
reasons, others are against this
idea due to
personal freedom. However
, I would argue that cutting-edge safety
equipment and the impossibility of regulations render this
issue obsolete.Submitted by muhammadrizoabduxalimov017 on
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task achievement
Ensure that the essay directly addresses all parts of the task. Your essay did focus on the discussion around the prohibition of extreme sports but could more explicitly relate the discussion to its impacts on teenagers as implied by the prompt.
coherence cohesion
Work on strengthening your logical structure by ensuring a clear progression of ideas from one paragraph to the next. Use a range of cohesive devices effectively but avoid overuse.
coherence cohesion
To enhance clarity and coherence, consider starting each body paragraph with a clear topic sentence that signals the main point you will discuss. This helps the reader understand the direction of your argument more easily.
task achievement
Include more varied and specific examples to support your arguments. While the examples provided are relevant, deeper and more diverse illustrations can help to substantiate your points more convincingly.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example