Teenagers are now facing educational, social, and commercial pressures. What are the causes of these pressures? Is it ever beneficial for teenagers to develop under such pressure?

People
have different views about whether extreme
sports
should be prohibited. In my opinion,
people
should be free to choose the activities they prefer as long as they are aware of the risks associated. Indeed, there are a couple of reasons why some
people
assert that risky
sports
should be banned. One primary reason is concerned with
safety
issues, not only for individuals
,
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but
also
for the public.
In other words
, when
people
are engaged in performing dangerous
sports
, there is a high likelihood of getting an injury since they are usually performed in remote areas far from the reach of medical care. Getting pleasure and adrenaline rush at the cost of their life, they might not only be involved in the accidents
,
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but
also
indirectly encourage others who are less experienced to try, which might result in
threat
Add an article
a threat
show examples
to public
safety
. A good case point can be
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
bungee jumping which seems attractive, yet when tried without the presence of supervisors, it is highly likely to be injured or die considering the elements of risk. Others,
however
, argue against
this
idea, stating
the
Correct determiner usage
that
show examples
personal freedom in decision making. In fact, undertaking extreme
sports
can be a form of entertainment as they are mostly performed outdoors, and when completing a difficult task,
people
get feelings which other less extreme
sports
may not give
such
as dopamine.
Thus
, putting a ban on these activities limits
the
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apply
show examples
personal freedom in
decision making
Add a hyphen
decision-making
show examples
, causing a debate among
people
.
Furthermore
, extreme
sports
,
according to
some, can contribute to personal growth, meaning that
people
can achieve a mastery of particular skill as long as they are experienced.
For instance
, notable
marshal
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martial
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art fighters
such
as Khabib trains
his
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
body in
an
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extremely cold water to master
his
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
craft. By doing so, he can take his skills to
next
Correct article usage
the next
show examples
level, developing his techniques. In my opinion, banning extreme
sports
is both unnecessary and impractical. As technologies
developed
Wrong verb form
develop
show examples
, a variety of
safety
tools and measures are available if one wants to partake in extreme activities, which alleviates the risks.
In addition
, a person who undertakes a dangerous activity cannot perform without the first training and under
the
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supervision, which
also
helps reduce
the
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apply
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accidents.
Moreover
, banning these
sports
is impractical since they are mostly performed in high mountains or in the ocean, far from the reach of the police or regulatory authorities. It is hard to imagine the police is stopping the person who parachuting on the edge of the mountain
,
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apply
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or surfing under the high waves. In conclusion,
although
some
people
approve of banning extreme
sports
for
safety
reasons, others are against
this
idea
due to
personal freedom.
However
, I would argue that cutting-edge
safety
equipment and the impossibility of regulations render
this
issue obsolete.
Submitted by muhammadrizoabduxalimov017 on

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task achievement
Ensure that the essay directly addresses all parts of the task. Your essay did focus on the discussion around the prohibition of extreme sports but could more explicitly relate the discussion to its impacts on teenagers as implied by the prompt.
coherence cohesion
Work on strengthening your logical structure by ensuring a clear progression of ideas from one paragraph to the next. Use a range of cohesive devices effectively but avoid overuse.
coherence cohesion
To enhance clarity and coherence, consider starting each body paragraph with a clear topic sentence that signals the main point you will discuss. This helps the reader understand the direction of your argument more easily.
task achievement
Include more varied and specific examples to support your arguments. While the examples provided are relevant, deeper and more diverse illustrations can help to substantiate your points more convincingly.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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