IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3

Some people think that mobile phones are a necessity. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #phones #necessity
Most of humanity
believe
Correct subject-verb agreement
believes
show examples
 that cell phones are important. I partially support the given viewpoint, and my arguments will be elaborated in the following paragraphs. On the one hand, I agree that cell phones are
crucial
Correct article usage
a crucial
show examples
 rule in everybody’s life for
communication
Replace the word
communicating
show examples
each
Change preposition
with each
show examples
 other. To be more specific, if they have
friend
Fix the agreement mistake
friends
show examples
 who live
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
abroad, they can contact
easily
Correct pronoun usage
them easily
show examples
 in every
time
 in many ways
such
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
writing
Change preposition
by writing
show examples
, video calling and calling.
Secondly
, it is accessible to carry wherever
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
they want.
For instance
, it is shape and weight, light and small, thereby, it can
be carry
Change the verb form
be carried
show examples
 in the pocket.
On the other hand
, it is
also
 true that it is
waste
Correct article usage
a waste
show examples
 of
time
. To give an example, Playing
some
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
video games or watching movies
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
detrimental
Add an article
a detrimental
show examples
 effect
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 people’s
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
show examples
therefor
Correct your spelling
therefore
show examples
, they can not
do
Verb problem
make
show examples
their
arrangement
Fix the agreement mistake
arrangements
show examples
 on
time
. The second point is
damage
Correct article usage
the damage
show examples
 effect to their health. To be more precise, it influences weakness of visibility,
as well as
 it can cause obesity as
result
Add an article
a result
the result
show examples
 of
sedentary
Add an article
a sedentary
show examples
 lifestyle for a long
time
 In conclusion,
although
 I believe that using cell
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 is important for communication and
carring
Correct your spelling
carrying
caring
 easily. I
also
 hold the view that it has
detrimental
Add an article
a detrimental
show examples
 effect
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their health and
time
 management.
Submitted by safiyyaqulamova on

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task achievement
Ensure your introduction clearly states your position on the topic. While it's good to mention you will elaborate later, it's vital to present a clear thesis statement from the outset.
task achievement
Develop your paragraphs more fully by expanding on your examples. The reference to cell phones allowing contact with friends abroad and the downsides like health impacts are good starts, but offer more depth and detail to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Aim for more varied sentence structures and synonyms to avoid repetition and enhance readability. For example, instead of repetitive use of 'important', try 'essential', 'vital', 'crucial', etc.
coherence cohesion
Try to link your paragraphs more smoothly by using linking phrases or words (e.g., 'Furthermore,' 'However,' 'In contrast'). This makes your essay flow better and helps readers follow your argument's progression.
coherence cohesion
Be cautious with spelling, grammar, and punctuation to ensure clarity and professionalism. For instance, 'crucial rule' should be 'crucial role', and there are instances where commas are needed for clarity.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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