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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

the following table shows the number of factory workers for a given tie period in germany

the following table shows the number of factory workers for a given tie period in germany
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The table illustrates the
number
Use synonyms
 of male and female
employees
Use synonyms
 and the total of both
as well as
Linking Words
factories
Use synonyms
 for every decade starting from 1851 to 1901 in Germany.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is apparent that the highest
number
Use synonyms
 of
factories
Use synonyms
 was in 1881 which had 721
factories
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 in 1851 was the year that had the biggest total
employees
Use synonyms
 at 477,100. In 1851 and 1861, the total
number
Use synonyms
 of
employees
Use synonyms
 moderately declined to around 200,000
employees
Use synonyms
 and the
number
Use synonyms
 of
factories
Use synonyms
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 slightly higher from 225 to 227.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 in
1851
Add a comma
1851,
show examples
 the total
Use synonyms
employees
Correct quantifier usage
number of employees
show examples
 peaked at 477,100 and it
was decreasing
Wrong verb form
decreased
show examples
 every 10
year
Change to a plural noun
years
show examples
 until it hit the lowest
number
Use synonyms
 in 1901 at 61,000
employees
Use synonyms
 .In 1871,the
number
Use synonyms
 of
factories
Use synonyms
 rapidly increased to around 400 .
However
Linking Words
, in 1881, the
number
Use synonyms
 of
factories
Use synonyms
 peaked at 721
factories
Use synonyms
. In the next 10 years in 1891, the
number
Use synonyms
 fell to 625 similar to 1871. In the
last
Linking Words
 period, the
number
Use synonyms
 of
factories
Use synonyms
 went down to 600

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words number, employees, factories with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 7 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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