nowsadays children spend a lot of time watching TV and playing computer games. However it does not help in improving children's mental abilities. Do you agree or disagreed

#nowsadays #children #time #tv #computer #games #abilities

In recent years, most

time

children

are

Wrong verb form

have been

show examples

spent

Change preposition

apply

show examples

watching or playing on modern

devices

, but their mentality

seem

Change the verb form

seems

show examples

to not

Verb problem

have

show examples

improved. I completely agree with

this

opionion

Correct your spelling

opinion

children

will be more

Correct word choice

addicted

show examples

addictive

Replace the word

addicted

show examples

devices

leading to

anti social

Add a hyphen

anti-social

show examples

behaviour, despite those who believe elegant pleasures from

Correct article usage

the Internet

show examples

Internet

Correct article usage

the Internet

show examples

will

make

Verb problem

reduce

show examples

children

reducing stress. It is vital to understand that there is a lot of improvement in technology, many

entertanimental

Correct your spelling

entertainment

entertainments

coroparations

Correct your spelling

corporations

like Nintendo or Google released many interesting movies or games to attract more consumers

include

Wrong verb form

including

show examples

children

to use their

devices

that

Correct pronoun usage

which

show examples

will make a huge profit for

company

Add an article

the company

show examples

. For that reason,

youngster

Fix the agreement mistake

youngsters

show examples

will spend most

time

to enjoy

Wrong verb form

enjoying

show examples

leading to

addictive

Replace the word

addiction

show examples

Change preposition

show examples

a result, there will

appear

Verb problem

show examples

a mental disease called anti-social behaviour because they lack social interaction and

instead

engage in playing games.

According to

statistics from a psychiatric hospital in Vietnam, there are many cases of mental illness in

children

, of which 64% are anti-social and the reason is

due to

cases of using technological

devices

beyond the prescribed

time

However

, some suggest that

children

have a full-stress day so

Correct article usage

the internet

show examples

Correct article usage

the internet

show examples

Capitalize word

Internet

show examples

internet

Capitalize word

Internet

show examples

Correct subject-verb agreement

show examples

are

Correct subject-verb agreement

show examples

the best

methods

Fix the agreement mistake

method

show examples

to reduce stress. The main reason for

this

thinking is that pleasure for

Correct article usage

the vitual

show examples

vitual

Correct your spelling

virtual

world will give some relieved feeling like

sensor

Correct article usage

a sensor

show examples

humor

Change the spelling

humour

show examples

help them forget all inhibitors cause discomfort during the day.

This

is a valid point but if they know how to use it correctly, spending

Correct your spelling

too

show examples

much

time

leading to the

lackness

Correct your spelling

lack

of exercise will cause

Change preposition

apply

show examples

obesity and diabetes. Take Vietnam as an example, where

fattigue

Correct your spelling

fatigue

is very common in

children

because of a

lackness

Correct your spelling

blackness

slackness

lack ness

Change preposition

show examples

exercise. In conclusion, phones or TV can help youngsters release negative

thinking

Replace the word

thoughts

show examples

and stress but overusing will cause

another

Correct quantifier usage

other

show examples

mental and physical

issue

Fix the agreement mistake

issues

show examples

Submitted by 11E4 Community on Mon Feb 12 2024

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task achievement

Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea, supporting it with specific examples or explanations. Consider dedicating separate paragraphs to opposing viewpoints to provide a balanced argument.

coherence and cohesion

Use a variety of cohesive devices (linking words) appropriately to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs. Avoid overusing certain phrases or being too repetitive.

coherence and cohesion

Refine the introduction and conclusion to more clearly state your position and summarise your argument. This helps the reader understand your stance and the main points discussed.

task achievement

Proofread your essay for grammatical errors and ensure proper verb tense usage throughout your essay. Accurate grammar can significantly enhance the clarity of your ideas.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

firstly
secondly
thirdly
in additional
moreover
also
for example
for instance
therefore
however
although
even though
despite

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5Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
3Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
41Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

293 words

4.50

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 5.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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nowsadays children spend a lot of time watching TV and playing computer games. However it does not help in improving children's mental abilities. Do you agree or disagreed

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

some people think that in the mordern world we are more dependent on each other. Others argue that people have become more independent. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

It is inevitable that traditional cultures will be lost as technology develops. Technology and traditional cultures are incompatible. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

Some people believe that children should not be given homework every day, while others believe that they must get homework every day in order to be successful at school. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

In the modern world, the image( photograph or film) is becoming a more powerful way of communicating than the written word.