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Band 4.5

nowsadays children spend a lot of time watching TV and playing computer games. However it does not help in improving children's mental abilities. Do you agree or disagreed

#nowsadays #children #time #tv #computer #games #abilities
In recent years, most
time
 of
children
are
Wrong verb form
have been
show examples
 spent
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
watching or playing on modern
devices
, but their mentality
seem
Change the verb form
seems
show examples
 to not
be
Verb problem
have
show examples
 improved. I completely agree with
this
opionion
Correct your spelling
opinion
,
children
 will be more
Correct word choice
addicted
show examples
addictive
Replace the word
addicted
show examples
 to
devices
 leading to
anti social
Add a hyphen
anti-social
show examples
 behaviour, despite those who believe elegant pleasures from
Correct article usage
the Internet
show examples
Internet
Correct article usage
the Internet
show examples
 will
make
Verb problem
reduce
show examples
children
 reducing stress. It is vital to understand that there is a lot of improvement in technology, many
entertanimental
Correct your spelling
entertainment
entertainments
coroparations
Correct your spelling
corporations
 like Nintendo or Google released many interesting movies or games to attract more consumers
include
Wrong verb form
including
show examples
children
 to use their
devices
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 will make a huge profit for
company
Add an article
the company
show examples
. For that reason,
youngster
Fix the agreement mistake
youngsters
show examples
 will spend most
time
to enjoy
Wrong verb form
enjoying
show examples
 leading to
addictive
Replace the word
addiction
show examples
.
At
Change preposition
As
show examples
 a result, there will
appear
Verb problem
be
show examples
 a mental disease called anti-social behaviour because they lack social interaction and
instead
 engage in playing games.
According to
 statistics from a psychiatric hospital in Vietnam, there are many cases of mental illness in
children
, of which 64% are anti-social and the reason is
due to
 cases of using technological
devices
 beyond the prescribed
time
.
However
, some suggest that
children
 have a full-stress day so
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
Capitalize word
Internet
show examples
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
show examples
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 the best
methods
Fix the agreement mistake
method
show examples
 to reduce stress. The main reason for
this
 thinking is that pleasure for
Correct article usage
the vitual
show examples
vitual
Correct your spelling
virtual
 world will give some relieved feeling like
sensor
Correct article usage
a sensor
show examples
 of
humor
Change the spelling
humour
show examples
 help them forget all inhibitors cause discomfort during the day.
This
 is a valid point but if they know how to use it correctly, spending
to
Correct your spelling
too
show examples
 much
time
 leading to the
lackness
Correct your spelling
lack
 of exercise will cause
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
obesity and diabetes. Take Vietnam as an example, where
fattigue
Correct your spelling
fatigue
 is very common in
children
 because of a
lackness
Correct your spelling
blackness
slackness
lack ness
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 exercise. In conclusion, phones or TV can help youngsters release negative
thinking
Replace the word
thoughts
show examples
 and stress but overusing will cause
another
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
 mental and physical
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
show examples
.
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task achievement
Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea, supporting it with specific examples or explanations. Consider dedicating separate paragraphs to opposing viewpoints to provide a balanced argument.
coherence and cohesion
Use a variety of cohesive devices (linking words) appropriately to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs. Avoid overusing certain phrases or being too repetitive.
coherence and cohesion
Refine the introduction and conclusion to more clearly state your position and summarise your argument. This helps the reader understand your stance and the main points discussed.
task achievement
Proofread your essay for grammatical errors and ensure proper verb tense usage throughout your essay. Accurate grammar can significantly enhance the clarity of your ideas.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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