IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

As a result of electronic invention such as the computer and television, people do less physical activity, and this is having a negative effect on their health. To what extent so you agree or disagree?

It is often seen that many
people
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 are beginning to do their
activities
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 from
home
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 as the impacts of technology become cheaper and more accessible. Personally, I agree that
this
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gives
Verb problem
has
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 a negative
impact
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 which includes the interpersonal
relationship
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relationships
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both
Change preposition
of both
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for
Change preposition
apply
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adults
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 and
children
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 and
also
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gives
Verb problem
has
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bad
Correct article usage
a bad
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impacts
Fix the agreement mistake
impact
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to
Change preposition
on
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 their
health
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. I will explain my reasons in
this
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 essay.
Firstly
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, one of the main reasons that doing
activities
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such
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 as working from
home
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 is a negative development is its
impact
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 on interpersonal healthy relationships. The main cause of
this
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 problem is when
adults
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 work from
home
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, they can'
t
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 interact with other
people
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 outside the house,
for instance
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, when they are in
the
Correct article usage
a
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 meeting and training online, they can'
t
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 see the
people
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 whom they interact with directly.
Consequently
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, they can'
t
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 see the body language and gestures that their partner
do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
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 when they are linked and
this
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 may cause misunderstandings between
people
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 who are working together.
Thus
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, it has a bad
impact
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 on the
adults
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 who are working from
home
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.
Secondly
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, studying from
home
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 can have a bad effect on the
children
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 which may cause them can'
t
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 interrelate with other kids who are the same age as them,
for example
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,
children
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 can'
t
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 study together and change their thoughts directly with their friends.
Moreover
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,
children
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 who are studying from
home
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 may have problems with their
health
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,
for instance
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, they may have problems with their eyes that always have to see the screen for studying.
Additionally
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,
children
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 can'
t
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 do
activities
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such
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 as exercising outdoors and it may affect their
health
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, especially their physical and mental
health
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.
Thus
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,
children
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 can'
t
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 do anything they want with their friends and may have a bad
impact
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 on their
health
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 if they study from
home
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. In conclusion, I feel that there are clear disadvantages to doing
activities
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such
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 as working and studying from
home
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 both for
adults
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 and
children
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. The main drawbacks are they may have serious problems with their interpersonal relationship and their
health
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, especially physical and mental
health
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. The question reminds us that we must always make sure not to do all
activities
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 online and must interact with
people
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 directly.

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Task Achievement
To improve task achievement, ensure your introduction clearly outlines your stance and include a more distinct thesis statement that previews the main points you will discuss. Make sure your conclusion effectively summarizes your main arguments and reiterates your stance.
Coherence & Cohesion
Enhance coherence and cohesion by improving the transition between paragraphs. Use a variety of linking words and phrases to better connect ideas within and between paragraphs. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea supported by relevant examples and explanation.
Task Achievement
Consider adding more detailed examples and evidence to support your arguments. This will strengthen your task achievement by making your points more persuasive and comprehensive.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • obesity
  • exacerbate
  • mental health issues
  • fitness apps
  • urbanization
  • work culture
  • obsolete
  • health landscapes
  • awareness
  • wearable fitness technology
  • digital detoxes
What to do next:
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