IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people say that teenagers should work part-time and earn money. This way they will learn basic lessons about work and become more disciplined. Others argue that teenagers shouldn't sacrifice their rest and after-school activities to work. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #teenagers #work #money #lessons #shouldn #sacrifice #rest #activities
Some people believe that
teenagers
 can learn fundamental skills by working part-
time
.
While others
Correct word choice
Others
show examples
 say that
teenagers
 must spend their
time
 by taking rest. Though
teenagers
 can earn
money
 and learn how to be disciplined, in my opinion, they have A0 spend their
time
 on leisure activities and school activities for their intellectual and
crective
Correct your spelling
creative
Correct your spelling
development
develooment
Correct your spelling
development
 On the one hand, people believe that
teenagers
 should focus on their after-school
time
 for part-
time
 work. They can learn to be disciplined by working for someone and meeting the deadlines.
Also
, they can earn additional
money
 for their expenses.
For example
, if a student earns some amount of
money
 on their own they can learn to manage their own finances and give them confidence to stand on their own lea
On the other hand
, some people think that
time
 is better spent
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 rest and school assignments.
Thev
Correct your spelling
They
 can regain their
energv
Correct your spelling
energy
 when they are resting. It
helos
Correct your spelling
helps
show examples
 them to learn and create better.
Also
. devoting
time
 to school activities can improve their intellectual skills.
For example
, when someone is at rest, he or she can write or draw.
This
 serves
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
as an opportunity to explore different skills and talents.
To conclude
, even though students can gain
money
 by doing work, it could create pressure
among
Change preposition
on
show examples
 them. So, it is better to focus on their studies and improve their knowledge. It can create a better future for them. If a student becomes a part of an organization, he or she will lose educational opportunities.
Submitted by viktoria.popova92 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Focus on developing a clearer thesis statement in your introduction. It's important that your opinion is clearly stated and directly addresses the essay prompt.
task achievement
Expand on your ideas with more relevant and concrete examples. Specific examples make your argument stronger and more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Make sure your essay has clear and logical structure. Use paragraphs effectively, each focusing on a single main idea. This aids in the flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Work on your conclusion to ensure it summarizes your main points and reiterates your opinion. This helps in reinforcing your arguments to the reader.
coherence cohesion
Check for and correct spelling and grammatical errors to improve readability and professionalism of your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: