IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Many people believe that family has the strongest influence on a child’s development, while others believe that external factors such as television, friends and music play a big role. Discuss both views

#people #influence #child’s #development #factors #television #friends #music #role
While
 a faction of people holds the notion that family has
imperative
Correct article usage
an imperative
show examples
role
offspring
Change preposition
in offspring
show examples
development
, others argue that external
factores
Correct your spelling
factors
factories
 have
more
Add an article
a more
show examples
 significant
role
. I agree with the latter viewpoint as ample reasons are present to substantiate it which will
explain
Wrong verb form
be explained
show examples
 in
this
 essay. First and foremost,
Atlhough
Correct your spelling
although
 in
this
 technology-driven world parents has
role
Add an article
a role
the role
show examples
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
development
 of
children
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
external factors, undeniably,
such
 as social
media
 and
televison
Correct your spelling
television
 are the most
influencial
Correct your spelling
influential
 factors for the cognitive
development
 of juveniles. To illustrate,
children
 are
consider
Wrong verb form
considered
show examples
 their
role
model
Fix the agreement mistake
models
show examples
 as social
media
 influencers and celebrities
instead
 of their parents by the influence of these modern
media
.
Moreover
, music has a vital
role
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
development
 of
adolascents
Correct your spelling
adolescents
. The
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
charactor
Correct your spelling
character
development
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
depends
by
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the type of music which they
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
usually listen
.
Change preposition
to.
show examples
Furthermore
, Teachers and
friends
 have enormous
contribution
Fix the agreement mistake
contributions
show examples
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the
development
 of
juvenile
Fix the agreement mistake
juveniles
show examples
. In
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other
word
Fix the agreement mistake
words
show examples
, nowadays
children
 spend more time with their
friends
 and teachers
compare
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
 to the past
due to
 the hectic lifestyle of parents.
Therefore
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
adolescents
beeing
Correct your spelling
are
 influenced by their
friends
.
For example
, it is true that several juvenile
crime
Fix the agreement mistake
crimes
show examples
 are
commited
Correct your spelling
committed
due to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
peer pressure.
Similarly
, society has
also
vital
Add an article
a vital
show examples
role
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the shaping
charactor
Correct your spelling
character
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
adolescents. In detail, the community is accepting
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the correction
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the juvenile who committed minor crimes and support for their future will help to enable a bright future for them. In conclusion,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
social
media
 and music have immense influence
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the
developement
Correct your spelling
development
 of
juvenile
Fix the agreement mistake
juveniles
show examples
. Not only
friends
 but
also
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society have a
role
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their
development
 alos. Ergo, I believe that external
factore
Correct your spelling
factors
 have
more
Add an article
a more
show examples
 vital
role
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
children
's future.
Submitted by ck.manshad on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Introduce topics more clearly and thoroughly; a stronger and more developed introduction will set the tone for a more coherent essay
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence that signals the main idea, followed by supporting sentences that elaborate on the point.
coherence cohesion
Work on creating clearer logical transitions between ideas and paragraphs to enhance the flow of the essay.
task achievement
Address the task by discussing both views presented in the prompt thoroughly. While you've presented opinions on both sides, further balance and clear argumentation for each view will strengthen your essay.
task achievement
Use specific examples to support your ideas and arguments. While you've attempted to include examples, making them more detailed and directly relevant to your main points will enhance the clarity and comprehensiveness of your ideas.
task achievement
For a higher band score, ensure that your response fully and directly answers all parts of the task. Work on developing a more nuanced and thoroughly argued position on the topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: