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Band 5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words

#cultures #children #message
When we were a child, our parents used to tell us that we can achieve anything if we struggle and fight for it. I believe
this
 is a common
message
 which most
children
 have ever been told about. Recalling memories back, my parents set a high standard that I should be the first rank in my class in terms of academics. I wasn't confident enough since I knew there were many students
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 were much more brilliant and diligent than me. I didn't have the courage to dream that my final score would pass them. Even sometimes I got remedial courses in certain subjects.
Until one
Change preposition
One
show examples
 night, my dad told me that when I dream of something, I should dream to reach the skies, so when I fall, I still fall in the middle of the clouds. At that moment, I was truly motivated and decided to put my best effort into studying. Long story short, when the results of the national exam were announced, the headmaster called me
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the one who achieved the highest result, surpassing my colleagues who usually ranked first and second. Through
this
 experience, it's obvious that the
advantages
Fix the agreement mistake
advantage
show examples
 of telling
children
this
message
 is a true motivation to encourage and make
children
 believe that everything is possible if they have the
gut
Fix the agreement mistake
guts
show examples
.
Moreover
,
this
message
 will
also
 boost
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
confidence.
On the other hand
,
this
message
 could
also
 be a pressure to a child and
this
 pressure could lead
children
 to the fear of failure.
Children
 could
also
 be overwhelming and stressful.
However
, every
message
 will surely have
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 positives and negatives and it depends on how parents will communicate with their
children
.
Submitted by rajasaadmuz on

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Task response
The essay begins by engaging with the prompt, but the introduction lacks a clear thesis statement summarizing the main advantages and disadvantages to be discussed. Consider adding a precise thesis statement to make your stance clear from the beginning.
Task response
Your response provides a personal example to support the advantages of encouraging children, which strengthens your argument. However, the disadvantages are not as comprehensively explored. Consider dedicating a similar amount of detail to discussing the disadvantages to achieve a balanced analysis.
Coherence and cohesion
The logical structure of the essay could be improved by more effectively organizing paragraphs. Aim to have one paragraph for advantages and another for disadvantages, each beginning with a clear topic sentence that summarizes the paragraph's main point.
Task response
Though personal narratives can enhance your essay, integrating additional examples or broader societal observations can enrich your argument and provide a more comprehensive perspective.
Coherence and cohesion
The conclusion only briefly mentions the key points discussed. A more robust conclusion that summarizes the pros and cons, restates your position, and perhaps suggests a way forward or a concluding thought would provide a more satisfying end to the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
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